Saturday, 31 January 2015

All your gold

"Never see the big church steeple when I call you on the phone
Never feel the rush of angels, when we stay up late alone
Never whisper you a great love story, only scream and cry and moan
But you’re a good man, but you’re a good man
I keep telling myself to just let go
Oh, let go of the one who took all your gold

I get home and there’s a love note waiting
But only he is here tonight
And the words, the promises you’re making
Only echo all these lies
And for every sweet nothing you whisper
Why is goodbye my reply?
'Cos you’re a good man, 'cos you’re a good man
I keep telling myself to just let go

There was someone that I knew before
A heart from the past that I cannot forget
I let him take all my gold, and hurt me so bad
But now for you, I have nothing left of all my gold

Stare my heart blank, am I ever gonna let him go? Get my gold back
And today I was a dead girl walking, see the light burn through tears
Heard you say my name and get to talking of the love and all the fears
And you saw all the pain I was holding, and yet still you’d hold me near
'Cos you’re a good man, 'cos you’re a good man,
I keep telling myself to just let go

There was someone that I knew before,
A heart from the past, that I cannot forget
I let him take all my gold, and hurt me so bad
But now for you, I have nothing left

'Cos there was someone that I knew before
A heart from the past, that I cannot forget
I let him take all my gold, and hurt me so bad
But now for you, I have nothing left of all my gold"

Words by Bat for Lashes

Bat for Lashes

Bat for Lashes, Natasha Khan is probably my favourite woman.  Do I have a girl crush? Yes somewhat.  Is it because of her epic talent or her beauty or her humility?  It's all of these.  It's also because she is kinda odd.  I like odd. I relate to it. 

Bat for Lashes - Strangelove


"It's those little sparks that fly and then land like dynamite,
It's just, it's just the simple things, pure incidentals,
It's like breathin' on the back of my neck and makin' me feel weak inside"

The above words were taken from Alisha's Attic, Incidentals

The Incidentals - Alisha's Attic

Sinead Lohan - You're in my love


My love

The greatest of love is my daughter, my niece and my nephew.  The greatest of happiness is time spent with them. I hope that you each grow into wonderful human beings. 


Painfully beautiful song by Lamb

This song is called Gorecki, created by Lamb.  It is entirely beautiful.  Lyrically, musically and of course the meaning.

Funny exchange

We were choosing what to have from the takeaway.  My mum asked my dad "what are you having"? My daughter piped up "he's having grapes".  Everyone laughed.  Then my dad said "I don't want grapes. I'm having chicken drumsticks".  In response to this, my daughter said "I'm having chicken bum sticks".

Chicken bum sticks: food of the gods.  You haven't lived until you've had chicken bum sticks.    


Hope and love

I believe that love is a magical thing.  It might be love for parents, for a partner, for children, for friends, for pets, for anyone or anything.  I believe that we should allow ourselves to be open to love.  We may fall, we may struggle.  To love is to leave ourselves open to great sadness but to love is also the way to the greatest of happiness.  Romantic love and the love a parent has for their child is perhaps the greatness of loves.

I would walk a million miles to be with my daughter.  I truly would.  I would do the same for a soulmate.

I feel proud that despite recent personal issues, I continue to live my life with an open heart.  I recently fell in love and I'm glad that I did.

Be open to love.  Never close yourself off in fear.  No great story ever began through fear.  Great stories begin through love.


Wednesday, 28 January 2015


Listening to.............

Arcane Roots - Slow
Arcane Roots - Resolve
Arcane Roots - Habibty
Biffy Clyro - Bubbles
Medals - I used to be dancer
Marmaduke duke - Kid gloves
Marmaduke duke - Skin the mofos alive
Marmaduke Duke - Fall at your feet (acoustic Crowded House cover)
Crowded House - Pineapple head
The Electric Soft Parade - Empty at the end
The Electric Soft Parade - Summertime in my heart
Electric Soft Parade - Start again
The Cure - The Caterpillar
The Cure - Pictures of you
The Smiths - Ask
The Smiths - Last Night I dreamt that somebody loved me
The Cure - Just like heaven
The Smiths - There is a light that never goes out
All Saints - Black coffee
Biffy Clyro - 57
Sucioperro - The ruins
Sucioperro - The altruist
Marmaduke Duke - Friday I'm in love (The Cure cover)
Marmaduke Duke - Silhouettes
Marmaduke Duke - Je suis un funky homme
Marmaduke Duke - The kiss and the consonant
Marmaduke Duke - A Conspiracy and a devil
Marmaduke Duke - The number and the red
Rage Against The Machine - Bombtrack
Rage Against The Machine - Bullet in your head
Florence And The Machine - Howl
Florence and the Machine - Dog days are over
Florence and the Machine - You've got the love
Bat For Lashes - All your gold
Bat For Lashes - A wall
Grimes - Genesis
Grimes - Vanessa
The Knife - Heartbeats
Joan Baez - Forever young
Joan Baez - Don't think twice, it's all right (Bob Dylan cover)
Joan Baez - Simple twist of fate

.............whilst sipping a nice Chianti.  

The Smiths: There is a light that never goes out

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
Who are young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people
And I want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their home
And I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me
And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight
Oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
No, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes ou

Remembering you

I can remember someone, that I once loved dearly, dancing to The Cure - Pictures of you.  He used to dance in an odd jerky way.  I remember this man and I smile.  Once a big part of my life. Now a part of my history.  He was a fan of The Cure and The Smiths.  As am I.  We used to listen to both bands for hours.  We used to have parties with friends into the small hours.  The longest party we had lasted until about 12 midday, rolling from about 8pm the previous evening. 

Good times. 


Extreme right-wing views

I stumbled upon some fairly extreme views at work today.  I, of course, argued against such worrying viewpoints.  It's first time I've ever been outspoken at work, or rather, the first time at my current place of work.  Unfortunately, I can't stay quiet when someone says something so terrifying.

Apparently an eye for an eye is a worthy system of governance.  Apparently we (as in the UK) are just too soft and harsher punishments are the only thing that will save society.  Why don't people think bigger than individual crimes and see the effects that harsher penalties will have on sociological behaviours?  It used to be acceptable to hang people in the street, until we evolved away from such barbaric practices.  If we step ever nearer to socially acceptable extreme punishments this will, in turn, normalise the barbaric treatments of human beings. It is a well-known psychological fact that to kill is difficult for most people.  Yet when someone kills once, it becomes easier to kill again and again.  We internally normalise it.  Women used to knit in the street whilst people were beheaded.   This sounds totally horrific in today's society but that is only because society has changed.  If we return to sanctioned barbarism, we begin normalise it.  Human torture and death should never be normalised.  The very prospect is terrifying.

Moreover, capital punishment and the kind of punishment my colleague suggested, cannot be undone.  If someone is tried, serves time in prison, yet is innocent of their crime, they only lose time.  Upsetting though that is, it can, in theory, be recovered from.  If they receive the death penalty, and are later found innocent, there life is already over.  Likewise, if someone is brutally tortured or disfigured through the justice system, as my colleague suggested, then found innocent following appeal, they cannot grow back an eye or a hand.  (This is assuming of course, that we continue to allow appeals in my colleagues terrifying vision for the future).  Her suggestions place absolute faith in the justice system. Her suggestions do not allow for human error or, the more worrying, intentional 'error'.

Even if we discount human error and the normalisation of barbaric behaviours in society, we simply have to consider this: quis custodiet ipsos custodes.

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Give rather than take

Hope is a thing with feathers

Downloading ad-infinitum

You know when you're downloading a torrent file and your ETA says one year, you need to A: rub your eyes in disbelief then B: choose another torrent file.  ONE YEAR?!!  That's not an ETA, that's a joke. 

The perils of politeness

I'm polite.  In fact, I'm super polite.  However, there are moments when the art of good manners makes everyday life rather taxing.  Indeed, there are numerous examples where a polite person will find themselves trapped between the rock of good manners and the hard place of desperation to relinquish oneself from a tricky situation.  I found myself in just such situation today.

I visited a corner shop near to my daughter's nursery.  I selected some chocolate then waited in the requisite queue.  It became clear fairly swiftly that the lady in front of me intended to chat for longer than her purchases should allow.  She engaged the Shop Assistant in a lengthy discussion about various family members.  Worryingly the Shop Assistant seemed quite engaged in the discussion, which was a mystery to me because the discussion was, at best, mind-meltingly boring.  As I recall, it was something about hiding money and cigarettes from other household members or possibly from visitors or possibly just hiding money and cigarettes for fun.

The outcome of this 'engaging' discussion meant that A: I'd have to wait much longer than necessary and B: I'd have to ascertain how to move things along without offending anyone.  Thus, I opted for gentle but purposeful eye contact with the Shop Assistant whilst gently waving my chocolate about.  This approach didn't work.  So I made some polite eye contact with the queue creation lady, which was a huge mistake because she then, by way of nodding and eye contact, pulled me into the conversation.  I allowed this totally unexpected situation to continue for what seemed like decades.  I professed interest in her 'repartee' whilst silently screaming.  When I couldn't hold on any longer, I gently pushed my chocolate along the counter, made eye contact with the Shop Assistant, offered a pleasant smile to the queue creation lady (a smile which belied barrel loads of repressed anger) and hoped, nay prayed that the Shop Assistant would process me quickly.   Thankfully she did.  I took my chocolatey goodness, pocketed my change and, eyes down, hurried out of the shop.

The problem with local shops, is that they are shops for local people.  In other words, local doesn't just refer something's location, it refers to it's unspoken rules of interaction.  (Think League of Gentleman, this is a local shop for local people).  Therefore, the next time I get a chocolatey urge, I'll head somewhere non-local. 

As an aside, and just because I want to say this, banal discussions about banal people is "not my natural milieu".  Harsh but true.  (Thank you BBC Sherlock's Mycroft).  ;-)


Sunday, 25 January 2015

A post from 2009

A blog post I wrote in 2009. My goodness, how things change. Well some things. I still ramble on a bit. All right, a lot. I ramble on a lot. It's an awesome kinda rambling though.


Arty attempt

I've been teaching my daughter to use the tablet. In doing so, I thought drawing on the tablet looked fun. Thus, this is my creation via Paint on the tablet. Enjoyed it. Xx

Rock n roll sarcastic

You know you're down with the kids when you rock out with The Zingzillas first thing on a Sunday morning. We are soooooo rock n roll in our house. Awake before 7am. Awake before 6.15am yesterday. Rock the heck on. Apparently, my toddler is unaware of my 'no early mornings' rule. She didn't get the memo. Moreover, she can't read.

Interestingly I do late nights but not if those late nights include being ripped out of slumber by a child singing nursery rhymes. Like something out of a horror movie, that happened last night. Luckily it wasn't a BEK, it was my daughter, singing in her sleep. It would have been cute, once id recovered from the terror, if it wasn't for the god damn poor timing.

My words are largely jest rather than complaint. My daughter is very cute and worth the effort. I still get the occasional lie in and I have the power to erm go to bed really early.

As I say, rock the heck on!

Only for the hardcore UK ravers. (It's taken 5 attempts to write ravers, the tablet kept autocorrecting to rivers - hardcore UK rivers, mmmmm, no).

Saturday, 24 January 2015


I could pretend to be all 10cc or Jennifer Paige. Yet it would be just that, a pretence. In reality I'm Sinead O'Connor or Bryan Adams.

10cc: I'm not in love
Jennifer Paige: Crush
These songs don't apply.

Sinead O'Connor: Nothing compares to you
Bryan Adams: When you're gone
These songs apply.

This is my blog, it describes my feelings. The person I'm writing about won't read these words. At least, this is my assumption.

I'm unhappy that we are not together. It isn't what I want. I miss you more this day than weeks ago.

I tend to be poetic. Some might deem me overly dramatic in my approach. Yet we must be who we are. I like the person that I am. I cannot censor myself. And I won't. I've been described as intense and crazy. Essentially, these descriptions are accurate. I'm a lovely kind of crazy-intense.

These words are mostly for me. If the person I recently fell in love with reads them, then he'll know exactly how I feel.  This is my truth.


Thursday, 22 January 2015


This is a rather rough recording of me singing Are you ready for love, the Nancy Wallace version.  It's the first time I've posted my singing to my blog.  Might be the last too.  We shall see. 

Diamonds and rust

As I walked towards the town, Diamonds and Rust descended upon me.  In other words,  Joan Baez's song, Diamonds and Rust began to play in the radio of my mind.  I have long loved that song.  Since becoming a Joan Baez fan, many years ago, this song was one that I most connected with. 

She wrote the song in response to her break up with Bob Dylan.  From what I understand, she was questioned by the press rather frequently about the relationship ending.  I believe that she partly wrote Diamonds and Rust in response to the constant questions and, no doubt, to exercise the demons of her loss.

There is a line in the song, that refers to the blueness of Dylan's eyes and his opinion of Baez's poetry.  "As I remember your eyes were bluer than robin's eggs.  My poetry was lousy, you said...............".  These lines resonant with me right now.  It's funny how life evolves because when I first heard Diamonds and Rust, I could not imagine life beyond that point.  The story of my life now, is so very different to the story then.  

I recall that I went to watch Joan Baez with my then boyfriend.  Although, by the time the concert happened, we had actually broken up.  We went to watch it together anyway because we wanted to. It was an emotional concert, because of the brilliance of Joan, the majesty of her support, Sinead Lohan and because my newly classified ex-boyfriend and I still had feelings for each other. The complexities of life, meant we could no longer be a couple.  That said, we held hands during the concert.  We also kissed in the car, post-concert.  It was, in fact, the long kiss goodbye.  And I knew this.  It wasn't a kiss of re-connection and reconciliation.  It was our last kiss, for quite some time.  I remember that I was entirely heartbroken.  It was many months before our relationship rekindled. 

Today I thought of this man and smiled.  I loved him once, many moons ago.  I thought of someone else too, someone whose eyes are bluer than robin's eggs. So blue, they are almost Elven, yet he aligns himself with dwarves. My smile for him was tinged with sadness because this loss is still very near.

Joan re-recorded Diamonds and Rust for her Ring them Bells album.  The new version is much the same as the original except when Dylan metaphorically offers Joan diamonds and rust, she says she'll take the diamonds.  It's a comedic nod to the way time heals most emotional wounds.  And perhaps a reference to her emotional strength.  In the original she says, "if you're offering me diamonds and rust, I've already paid" because then the pain was still near. At least that's my interpretation of her words.

Despite my sadness today, Diamonds and Rust serves to remind me that romantic relationships are not all plain sailing.  There are ups and downs.  There is both diamonds and rust.  When romantic relationships end, the protagonists will be left with good and bad memories.  Thankfully the rust recedes and we emerge anew. Sometime relationships reconvene and sometimes they don't.  Either way, they add to the story of your life.


Monday, 19 January 2015

Unseen academicals

I'm pleased that I've picked up Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett once again.  I started to read it some weeks ago and last night, I found my way back to it.  Happily, Pratchett provides safe passage from reality, into unreality filled with laugh aloud humour.  Something that I certainly need right now. 

This particular book also serves to remind me that 'the beautiful game' is anything but. Like so many other quotes, this one made me giggle, "this street was indeed a crescent, which would probably have an effect on tactics if the players had any truck with such high-flown concepts".  It reminds me of watching Argentina play in the World Cup. In other words, play as dirty as you can get away with. 

Discworld novels, practically a rite of passage.


Sunday, 18 January 2015

Angel cards

I've read my angel cards today.  This, in itself, is nothing new, I read them quite often.  Yet I usually just draw a few cards and interpret them but today I followed a particular spread and my goodness, how illuminating.  It has enabled me to see into the truth of a particular situation. A wonderfully helpful experience.

Love and light to all,  xx   

57 Biffy Clyro lyrics

En Vogue - My Lovin' (Never Gonna Get It) (1992)

Mary J. Blige - I'm Goin' Down

Wind on it

We've been listening to music today and dancing around the kitchen.  After two versions of Beyonce's Single Ladies, the original and an epic Marmaduke Duke cover, my daughter blew in my face and said "I'm putting wind on it".  Clearly she thought the lyrics were "put wind on it" rather than "put a ring on it". 

I think I prefer her lyrics. 

Marmaduke Duke Single Ladies Put a Ring On It

Out of reach

Howl - Florence And The Machine


I'm wondering if I can write a blog on my tablet. It's just not the same as typing on a keyboard. I learned to touch type at school. My teacher used to put paper over my hands so that I couldn't see the keys. These days, I semi-touch type, in other words, I have to glance down.

Given my typist roots, blogging on a tablet is weird. Despite the word prediction, or possibly because of it, there is a sense of restriction. My thoughts don't flow as freely.

Perhaps I'll get used to it.

Indeed, change is the ever-present constant in life. Evolve.

I'm not a footnote

Saturday, 17 January 2015

Old skool

Back in the day, as we old skool ravers tend to say, I did some crazy things.  Some of the things were darned right risky but many were rather fun or, at the very least, erm memorable.

Today, as I walked through Morrison's car park, I saw a man asleep in his car.  He hadn't just nodded off, he had an actual cushion against the window and, as far as I could tell, he wasn't just snoozing, he was totally out for the count.  This reminded me of a time when I decided to sleep in my friends car, following a rather lengthy and epic session at Bowlers.  I always reach a point in the night, where bed beckons and often this is long before the party has ended.  If there is no bed, a sofa will do, or, as in this case, the backseat of a friend's car.

I recall that I headed off to the car to get my snooze on. I clambered ungracefully onto the backseat and rested my head.  A few moments later, I was dragged back to full wakefulness by the antics inside the car parked in front.  A man was bouncing around on the backseat.  To all intents and purposes, he appeared to be dancing in an extremely awkward fashion.  Like he was having some kind of fit to music.  I say music, but there wasn't any.  Any music he heard was playing inside his head.  Not only was he dancing without music, he was also in the horizontal position.  I watched and worried and I really hoped he stayed inside his car  At irregular intervals various body parts jerked about, totally devoid of any rhythm. One minute his back would arch, the next is leg would be up, sometimes it looked like he was trying to scratch the back of his neck with his leg and all the while, he was kind of smiling.  The kind-of-smile thing was the most worrying.  I can only assume he'd taken a large cocktail of crazy substances, to move like that and smile whilst doing it.

The weird, horizontal dancing went on for some time.  Sometimes it stopped for a moment or two then he'd start again.  Eventually I think he fell asleep. Though he may have passed out.  I awoke some time later to the terrifying sound of banging on the car window.  I thought that crazy-car-dance guy had fought his way out of his car and was attempting to fight his way into mine.  He wasn't.  My friends had returned and they thought it would be amusing to wake me up with window banging.   

Interestingly, I can remember very little about my time in Bowlers.  Some nights are like that.  That said, I suspect that weird car-dance guy rather overshadowed other memories from the evening.  


Sad but true

Yesterday evening, whilst chatting to my friend Laura over wines, I had a terrible realisation.  I realised that if Mr Benedict Cumberbatch became romantically available to me, I'd actually turn him down.  TURN HIM DOWN!  I'd turn Benedict Cumberbatch down, the man who occupies the top spot in my hot famous people list.  I'd turn him down, not because he is in engaged and soon to be a father, valid reasons though they be, I'd turn Benedict down because I just want my boyfriend back.

My now ex-boyfriend used to joke that if Benedict came looking for me, that I'd make a swift sharp exit from our relationship.  I said that I wouldn't.  Turns out, I still wouldn't choose Benedict.  

As the mighty Metallica once said, tis "sad but true".


Friday, 16 January 2015

I miss you

I miss you.  I keep recalling our last few hours together and it makes me so sad.  It makes me sad that I'll never see you again.  It makes me sad that those last few moments in bed, were, in fact our last ever moments in bed.  It makes me sad that when I leaned in to kiss you goodbye, that I was, unbeknown to me, kissing you goodbye forever.  

I miss your presence in a room.  I miss the speed of your stride.  I miss your tone of voice and your total lack of accent.  I miss the way you use good grammar mixed with modern slang.  I miss your jokey messages.  I miss you calling me silly.  I miss the blueness of your eyes.  I miss your hand upon my knee.  I miss the passion you have for your interests. I miss the charismatic way you describe things.  I always thought you wonderful but you never really believed me. 



Tuesday, 13 January 2015


I adore this song.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with how I'm feeling, all I share in it, is a sense of the song's title - The Caterpillar. 

This morning I thought of The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle.  A classic children's book that I've read to my daughter every night, since Santa gave it to her as one of her many Xmas presents.

Yet my connection with the story is rather sad.   Since yesterday I have wanted to crawl into bed and not climb out until I feel unbroken.  Since yesterday I have wanted to stop the world.  The adventure I had hoped for, has turned into a nightmare.  So today, I realised that I want to be a caterpillar.  I feel so broken, that I want to hide in a cocoon and emerge anew, following a period of total hibernation.

Coincidentally, my mum, sister and I love butterflies.  I have a butterfly tree of life tattooed on my back. Perhaps in time I will emerge unbroken, renewed, as a butterfly Hazel.  I hope this happens soon.  Otherwise I might drown in a sea of my own tears.


Saturday, 10 January 2015

Je suis charlie

Je suis Charlie.  xx


Sometimes the only way to make sense of things is to utilise your logic and your intuition.  Both logic and intuition are valid when attempting to see into a situation.  Now I have initiated both my logic and intuition, I feel relaxed. 

Friday, 9 January 2015

That you have not

That you have not
Read my words
Heard each sound
Wondered at me

That you have not
Looked into my eyes
Seen my soul
Marveled at me

That you have not
Asked a million questions
Noticed my patterns
Seen my light

That you have not
Felt my rhythm 
Danced to my song
Wanted endless time

I'm imperfect
My imperfection
Is my charm
That not all see

Friday, 2 January 2015


I'm currently trying rather hard not to get lost in the memory of someone's incredibly beautiful eyes. Eyes that are so blue, so charismatic, so sexy that they should probably should come with a warning along these lines: these eyes will implode your heart, do not stare for too long.

Luckily for me, said eyes belong to my boyfriend.

Yeah, yeah, I know, GET A GRIP WOMAN! 

Men in make-up

I'm not against men wearing make-up.  I'm all for it.  But, in particular, I'm for men wearing goth orientated eye-liner or eye shadow.  If the man in question is Jaren Leto or Brian Molko, then so much the better.  Eye make-up, it's not just for girls.

Not obliged

Between you and me
You start to
Disregard that
There is work to do

Feelings have me, yet
I’m not obliged to
You must remember
That I matter to you

Highlighted post

Feelings start

~Something visceral And beautifully wild Shimmering ripples Beginning inside Not just body Or even heart You sing the songs Th...

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