An insight into the workings of my mind. You have been warned ;-)
Here you will find my musings on various matters. From the profound to the ridiculous: seemingly disparate elements yet often found to be two sides of the same coin.
Given my, frankly appalling ability to play the so called dating game, I'm never sure how much or how little to communicate with potential daters. If I'm not particularly interested in the person, I'll naturally gravitate towards limited communication before confirming their suspicions but if I'm interested, I'm up in faces like an annoying moth.
However I'm aware that other women, who I suppose can be deemed competition, are playing the game. They are skilled in the ways of hard to get. Activate Carrie Bradshaw mode (note, phone thought it fitting to suggest Carrie Bradshaw yeti because obviously that's a thing): Does my lack of hard-to-get, give my ‘competition’ the upper hand? Could it be that despite myriad loveliness, the hard-to-getters are always more likely to commence a relationship than I am?
A little background: Before aging, parenthood and prior to the e-romance revolution - dating was easy. I would meet someone, then swiftly decide if dating would proceed. Job done. Oh it's light years from this now. It's like paddling through shite without guarantee of the grail at the end of the struggle.
Plus there are further barriers which did not apply in my youth. I previously based my choice of partner on the following: is he hot. Over time my impression of hot changed from: he looks like he could front a boy band to he looks like could front a rock band. These days my list of attractiveness criteria is roughly comparable with War and Peace. I have become difficult to please in dating.
Given the barriers I've created for myself, perhaps I should start playing the game. Perhaps delayed gratification is absolutely necessary because the rules clearly state that every man desires a challenge. I detest the idea of a woman as a reward. It feels like the epitome of objectification. I am more than happy to signal my interest by dropping my symbolic hankey but I do not want to be metaphorically jousted for. Appreciate me for who I am, not for what I represent to you (as I believe Alanis Morisette once sang).
Yet whichever way one looks at it, women no longer have their pick of men. It seems like there are masses of single women and very few, relationship ready, single men. So I suppose I shall have to commence a game changer. For the first time ever, I'm going to have to play hard to get. Tips and techniques gratefully received.
Oh flipping yikes!
The RGF xx March edit: still no game plan, happy to keep it that way.
My creative spark seems to have taken early retirement. Or perhaps it's on sabbatical. Not so long ago, I felt truly inspired. From around Julyish, both pain and elation, created through love, were the committed companions of creativity. I did not find either to be the greater inspiration. Thus, I believe we can say, that love and all its’ accessories invokes wordy innovation.
When one stops being in love, so ends the poetry. As it was the intensity and loss of romantic love that made my words dance.
All I feel now are memories. At these, I smile. They are tiny ripples on the sands of romance. Gone, yet not forgotten. In part, I thank the man who gave them to me. Although it was my responses to him that I'm most grateful for. I was ready for love. He, on the other hand, was not. That mattered for a while. Then it stopped being important. In short, I'm rather pleased that I operate without filter. When love lands in my heart, I'm not trying to side step it. I simply go with the flow. Here's to unfiltered. Here's to love. And here's to words.
I'm a vast array of ‘too’. On the face of it, the previous sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. Fear not, if you were feeling concerned for my sloppy use of language. In a few sentences time, you'll know exactly what I mean.
I have been described as ‘intense’. Indeed, I've been described as too intense. I deem this compliment, though I doubt it has always been meant as one. There are times when intense is inappropriate. Where ‘intense’, is going to detract from the joy of life, rather than add to it. For example, imagine you're writing an in-depth report and some fool chooses that moment to embark upon an intense debate. In other words, when ‘intense’ is combined with poor timing, it's too much. I'm fairly good at being considerate so I'm unlikely to offer my intensity at the wrong moment. This leads me to another 'too’.
I'm also too nice, which I take to mean - I'm not an arsehole. So kudos to everyone that has ever called me too nice, as if it's a bad thing. If you think about it, too nice is what we should all aspire to be. Whereas one should probably avoid being an arsehole. Now obviously, if you combine intense with twattish behaviour, this creates a terrible combination. If one encounters arseyness, you'd certainly hope for it to be fairly wishy-washy rather than the bang-in-your-face variety. Fortunately, I'm both nice and intense so I naturally avoid such dire combinations. Go me!
There are probably other examples of 'too’, when thinking about my personality but I'll end with too sensitive. I've long been called sensitive. This is the extremely emosh brand of sensitive, rather than the punch someone in the face for breathing sort. Obviously, I'm far too nice for random face punching, as has previously been identified. Even the slightest element of emotional content can generate tears. Im not crying for me. It's not suppressed anger or frustration, it's compassion in watery form. This is because I care about people. I want the world to smile, which seems like a pretty sound thing to hope for. Empathy can't ever be a bad thing.
So thank you in advance to all who deem me too sensitive, too intense and too nice. This simply means I'm interesting, kind and flipping ace at empathy.
I'm a self-encyclopaedia. The Google of the self. I'm so in touch with the inner me, I have the full range of Hazel elements on speed dial. Given this teeming mass of self-knowledge, why do I descend into babbling brook of ridiculousness when I'm heavily attracted to someone. Why, when presented with someone I really like, do I switch into idiot mode.
When in lust, every thought that pops into my head, leaves my mouth in a lengthy ramble. Granted, the rambles are mixed with moments of comedy because you know, I'm highly amusing and sometimes it's intentional. But there are numerous times when I forget the basic principles of sentence construction. Or how to form actual coherent words. These things are maddening yet seemingly unavoidable.
Therefore, if you happen to be on the receiving end of a hefty number of my random tangents, mixed with a very frequent blush face then you're very fortunate because it means you're ticking every single one of my dating boxes. Moreover, my self-knowledge hasn't actually left the building, it's just on hiatus.
The RGF xxx
PS. Yes, this blog is describing a current situation. ;-)
*A Mann filter has something to do with vehicles (ask a mechanic). It will not filter men. However if someone can point me in the direction of a man magnet complete with configurable man filter, I'd be pleased. Tia, xx
I walked past the place today.
The place I've known.
The feel of it has changed.
It is pulled outside time.
Distorted. Dreamlike. Surreal.
Our ghosts are still there.
Standing still waiting.
Souls lost in translation.
Echoes could have been harmonies.
I can trace our outlines with the fingers of my memory.
Ask me in eternity.
We'll be there still.
It wasn't just the first time I saw your face......it was the first time I read your words, when first your voice touched my ears, the first time you walked towards me, when your fingers curled around mine for the first time. The electricity of each first we shared was painfully echoed in our last. Yet you have not gone. You shadow my every step. Like staring at the sun, my eyes hurt but I cannot look away.
In many respects, dating sites are rather like shopping for a partner. We browse the virtual aisles. We consider the 'items’ on display. In short, we make a decision about compatibility based on information which reduces humans to mere merchandise.
Moreover, the people, based on the information provided, may be:
Exciting yet likely to cause long term health problems
Long life, reliable product but will soon generate extreme boredom
Shiny, pretty packaging with limited contents
Seemingly sweet with hidden toxic elements
Batteries not included
Everything you'd look for in product but it's currently unavailable
Will break down as soon as you take the product home
Product actually belongs to someone else
Misleading product information
Does not do what it says on the tin
Unclear what the product is or what it's for
This product is out if your price range
Product compatibility issues
Product information is illegible
Product is likely to cause offense
Only available on short term loan basis
Absolute bargain. Perfection. The one.
The process of searching on a dating site is soulless one. We are all more than a dating profile. Not everyone is wonderfully photogenic or knows how to use filters. Some people may be amazing in real life but terrible on paper. Yet how else do we meet the people that might enhance our lives romantically? Where else might they be?
You won't read these words so I don't need to be cryptic. I can speak my soul into the abyss that is my blog. In many respects, it's the only thing that listens to my struggle. I'm not unhappy. Granted, I'm less jovial than I was before we met but essentially I'm ok. I count my many blessings. I'm not crying into a pillow every night nor am I operating in Bridget Jones mode. There's no vodka or Sad FM on my radio.
I love my family greatly. My colleagues are super fabulous. I have some really good friends. Domestic life can be stressful. Anything that includes children has moments of madness. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's amazing. Sometimes it's hell on earth. I'm realistic and occasionally idealistic. All things considered, life is good (despite your absence).
I'm dating again. I stopped for a while. Couldn't quite bring myself to talk to anyone with a view to something because my view was obscured by your face. So I suppose you have faded somewhat because I'm back in the saddle again. Albeit side-saddle, half-hearted and cautious.
For a little while, I thought my soulmate would turn up somehow. Maybe in the queue at Tesco or the Post Office. There's a limit to how often you can frequent these places, just in case Sir Unicorn randomly appears. I also started to wonder whether the soulmate theory was utter crap. The jury is still out on this. The jury has barrels of coffee, cakes and duvets. They know the decision will be tricky and lengthy. Initial rumbles suggest that the outcome may be a matter of perspective. I certainly hope they're wrong on this.
The dating site usage has resumed. It's mostly harmless and probably pointless. That said, there has been some interesting interactions. Well, one really. Maybe this connection will continue. Time will tell.
Of course about 90℅ of me still feels like you're the one. The other 10% is asleep, otherwise it would agree with the majority. Perhaps time will alter this view. Rather wish I was Marty McFly. Backwards, forwards - either direction works for me.
I have to work with what I have. Or rather, I have to work with what I don't have. I don't have you. We're not even friends now. Thus, based on that fact, life goes on without you. It has to. So, unless perpetually single has suddenly become my go to place, dating is necessary and happening.
Somehow I know that a part of me will still miss you in ten years time, in fact, in infinite time. Of course the cynics would mock this theory as the over zealous imaginings of a romantic. Yet I know my mind. Moreover, I know my heart. Some people leave their mark, regardless of how long they stay. You took a part of me with you. It won't return unless you do. This is ok. I'll get along in any future outcome because I'm a strong woman with a good heart.
As I suspected, the creation of the playlist to end all playlists was a sizeable undertaking. Not only in terms of words on virtual page but the thinking power required was larger than anticipated. In fact, this list has taken so long to write that I started to wonder whether I should just write a tribute to the ultimate playlist ala Tenacious D. This would lead me to write ‘A house Endless Art’ - et voilà. Moreover, it is all very well knowing and loving the tunes but remembering them all on demand proved to be rather difficult. Yet somehow, in direct contradiction to this, every time I thought I’d reached the end of the list, about four or five songs offered themselves up for addition. It started to feel like much like the A house track already mentioned – endless art. I’m basically an encyclopaedia for the best songs ever written. The love of a song and artist is entirely subjective? Surely musical genius is a matter of objective truth? ;-) It is entirely possible that this playlist has been a barrier to work, housework, sleep, relaxation and thinking of anything else other than the playlist. Given the girth of distraction, it is a relief to finally reach the end. And yet, as already suggested, is it the end? Can one ever create the definitive, ultimate playlist? Unless we assume that all good music has already been written, which is a ridiculous notion, then no. The playlist to end all playlists is, by its very nature, perpetual work in progress. Thus, this is the first draft, as complete as I’m capable of at this time.
Note: The Beatles songs are tricky to locate on You Tube but damn, so many covers.
So………in no particular order, here is the perfect playlist and the playlist links (edit: some videos have been helpfully blocked. Cheers You Tube. Spotify playlists needed). (Further edit: if you play the playlists via a PC or laptop or just avoid You Tube mobile, the tracks all work. Damn those adverts though. Painful). Additional mini playlist of previously unannounced gems of musical achievements:
Ever incomplete, I've added to Mellow Guitar, Hip Hop Vibe and Dance Floor playlists...... Radiohead - Creep It soundtracked a transformation in me. Through this song, and in life formed alongside it, I became more myself. Nick Drake - Pink Moon This song is reputed to be about transformation so an appropriate choice for the soundtrack of my life. It is an achievement, both lyrically and musically.
The Cure - Close to me
The Cure - The Caterpillar Cafe de la mar - Energy 52 Missed this of the first draft. Faux pas.
The Beatles - Real Love The reasons are obvious. It is beautiful in sentiment, in music and in lyrics.
Chaka Khan - I feel for you
Prodigy - Firestarter Emmy the Great - Constantly Mazzy Star - Fade into you EMF - Unbelievable Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody Chumbawamba - Homophobia The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses Nancy Wallace - Are You Ready for Love This stripped back cover of Elton John's song makes my soul sigh. DJ Crust - Warhead It was about time something hardcore got a look in. This track makes me dance like a demon. I've forgotten some serious social gatherings to this track. Wings - Band on the Run It's like a series of songs in one. A rock symphony. Sucioperrro - The Ruins I saw them play this a record store in Scotland. Wonderful times. Nirvana - Come As You Are Nirvana - Rape Me
Excellent song yet terrifying song title. Nirvana - Something in the Way Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box Biffy Clyro - Bubbles This is Biffy’s first mention, it will not be their last. Biffy Clyro - Bodies in Flight As indicated above, Biffy again. This song is like I'm being spiritually amplified. Grimes - Be a Body It's like angels landed in her voice. Some songs seem to be written in the annals of time. In other words, this track, like some others on this playlist, is as if an artist connects with something that is of the divine, floating in nature, unheard but in existence then releases into the world. Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love Fleetwood Mac – Albatross Goldfrapp - Lovely Head Goldfrapp – Utopia See Grimes – Be a Body Wings - My Love Chumbawamba - Enough is Enough First heard in the Victoria Hall in Hanley, when they supported The Levellers. I fell in love with this band. The lyrics resonate in these times more than when I first heard them. Racism is rife. This is both sad and terrifying. The Levellers - What You Know
The Levellers - The Devil Went Down to Georgia
The Levellers - One Way Race against the machine - Killing in the Name of See Chumbawamba – Enough is Enough. Faith No More - Epic I had such a crush on Mike Patton. I wasn’t keen on his massive moustache when they played Pheonxi Festival 1993. They were epic. Pun intended. Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings And not just because it was used in Spaced. I loved it way before that happened. Faithless - Insomnia This song is about the inability sleep which is interesting because when I play this tune and crank up the volume, it’s like my spirit wakes up. Manic Street Preachers - Motorcycle Emptiness Rachmaninoff – Symphony No. 2 in E minor Musical perfection. Laura Mvula – Green Garden Joan Baez - Diamonds and Rust This was written about her relationship with Bob Dylan. The Smiths – Reel Around the Fountain Bob Dylan - Twist of Fate Arcane Roots - You Are Arcane Roots - Energy is Never Lost Just Redirected Chopin – Nocture Op.9 No.2 Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata House of Pain – Jump Around Primal Scream - Higher Than the Sun. Mozart – Piano Concerto No.21 Gustav Holst - The Planets Dry the River - Weights and Measures I’ve recently blogged about this track. Adore much. The Beatles - Come Together The Beatles – Julia The Smiths – Cemetry Gates
The Smiths - There is a light that never goes out Marmaduke duke – Silhouettes Possibly my favourite Marmaduke duke track. Roni Size (Aphrodite remix) – Brown Paper Bag Aphrodite – Stalker Mooi – Sway Lamb – Gorecki Florence and the machine – Howl Kate Bush – Cloudbursting The Buggles – Video Killed the Radio Star It has to go in because it was the first record I ever bought, unless we count Shakin Stevens’ Green Door, which perhaps we shouldn’t because Shaky detracts from my super cool image.
Babylon Zoo - Spaceman Talking Heads – Psycho Killer Florence and The Machine – Never Let Me Go A House – Endless Art This song is about endless art, this playlist is about endless art. Not to include it would be a crime against a point well made. Plus I refer to it in my introduction. Meta vibes. The Sultans of Ping FC – Where’s me Jumper I saw them play for five minutes at a free music festival. I arrived late because I looked too young to buy alcohol in the off-licence.
The Sultans of Ping - You Talk Too Much Cud – Rich and Strange Because I am both rich and strange. Okay, just one of these describes me accurately. The Mission – All Tangled up in you Marilyn Manson – The Beautiful People Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love Pearl Jam – Alive I have the vinyl picture disc for this single. Like the one ring, it is my own precious. Pearl Jam – Even flow Grimes – Realti The Prodigy – Out of Space Alanis Morrisette – Not the Doctor Alanis Morrisette – You Oughta Know The Orb – Perpetual Dawn The Orb were my first dance artist gig experience. What a wonderful first it was. Alpine – Villages Alpine – Damn Baby Harry Nilsson – Without You Tragically pulverised by Mariah Carey. Yet the song itself is so incredible, it’s almost beyond comprehension. The Beatles – I’ve Just Seen a Face Joan Baez (Jackson Browne cover) - Fountain of Sorrow Sinead Lohan - No Mermaid
Alicia's Attic - Incidentals
Alicia’s Attic - I am, I feel Sinead Lohan - You're in my Love Culture Shock - Pressure Some serious hardcore leaping about to this track at Chicos nightclub in Hanley. Paul McCartney - This Never Happened Before Soulwax - Conversation Intercom Soulwax - E Talking Daft Punk - One More Time Kate Tempest - Lonely Days Kate Tempest - Circles Bat for Lashes - Daniel Ye gods this woman is amazing live! Bat for Lashes - Pearl's Dream Nick Drake - From the Morning Nick Drake - Riverman John Martyn - Head and Heart Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice it's Alright This is one of my daughter’s lullaby songs. Yes. We are odd. Emmy the great - Swimming Pool Emmy the Great - Algorithm Thin Lizzy - Whiskey in the Jar Black Sabbath - Paranoid This is another of my daughter’s lullaby songs. Joke. Ha. Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb Blondie - Heart of Glass Elbow - One Day Like This I watched this incredible band at Bestival. Doves were on just before them. The good times rolled. Nick Drake - From the Morning Nick Drake - Riverman John Martyn - Head and Heart Doves - Pounding The Hives - Main Offender Bat for Lashes - All Your Gold Therapy? - Screamager Biffy Clyro – 57 Marvellous live. Marvellous full-stop. Biffy Clyro - Folding Stars Biffy Clyro - Glitter and Trauma Pendulum - Blood Sugar “The sonic recreation of the end of the world. Prepare to hold your colour”. I’m quoting from the track. Listen and you will adore. Pendulum - Tarantula Make sparks - Rewind I saw them support Sucioperro in Glasgow. They made an impresion. 2Many DJs / Soulwax - A Fifth of Beethoven Blue Swede - Hooked on a Feeling Sucioperro - Dialog on the 2 Sucioperro - The Altruist Sucioperro - Dissident Code Sucioperro - Landslide Sucioperro - Grace and out of me Sucioperro - The Drop Arcane roots - Resolve Crowded House - Pineapple Head The Cardigans - Erase and Rewind Lush - Lady Killer Suede - Animal Nitrate Blur - Song 2 The Wannadies - You and Me Song Shed Seven - Disco Down Shed Seven - Parallel Lines Shed Seven - Chasing Rainbows The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun The Beatles - Something The Beatles - Hey Jude The Beatles - The End The Beatles - I will The Beatles - Oh Darling
The Beatles - Let it be The Beatles - Norwegian Wood Grandmaster Flash - White Lines Snoop Doggy Dog Feat. Pharrell - Drop It Like it's Hot Kelis - Good Stuff Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know Muse - Supermassive Black Holes The Fray - Hundred FPI Project - Risky Stonebridge - Put ‘em High Portishead - Glory Box The Streets - Don't Mug Yourself The Streets - Sharp Darts Baby D - Let Be Me Your Fantasy Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy Dry The River - New Ceremony
Dry The River - Gethsemane Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows Beck - Loser Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Flexible Head Foo Fighters - All My Life Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench Medalark 11 - Miles Stone Roses - I am the Resurrection Stone Roses - Waterfall TLC - Waterfall Missy Elliott - Work it The Revolting Cocks - Beers, Steers and Queers Sasha - Fibonacci Sequence (The Light Remix) Sasha - Xpander Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now Sneaker Pimps - Spin Spin Sugar Tori Amos - Professional Widow Cypress Hill - Hits from the Bong Cypress Hill - Insane in the Membrane Elastica - Connection
Laura Mvula - That's Alright Sade - You're Love is King