Friday, 23 December 2016

Too much

Given my, frankly appalling ability to play the so called dating game, I'm never sure how much or how little to communicate with potential daters. If I'm not particularly interested in the person, I'll naturally gravitate towards limited communication before confirming their suspicions but if I'm interested, I'm up in faces like an annoying moth. 

However I'm aware that other women, who I suppose can be deemed competition, are playing the game. They are skilled in the ways of hard to get. Activate Carrie Bradshaw mode (note, phone thought it fitting to suggest Carrie Bradshaw yeti because obviously that's a thing): Does my lack of hard-to-get, give my ‘competition’ the upper hand? Could it be that despite myriad loveliness, the hard-to-getters are always more likely to commence a relationship than I am?

A little background: Before aging, parenthood and prior to the e-romance revolution - dating was easy. I would meet someone, then swiftly decide if dating would proceed. Job done. Oh it's light years from this now. It's like paddling through shite without guarantee of the grail at the end of the struggle.

Plus there are further barriers which did not apply in my youth. I previously based my choice of partner on the following: is he hot. Over time my impression of hot changed from: he looks like he could front a boy band to he looks like could front a rock band. These days my list of attractiveness criteria is roughly comparable with War and Peace. I have become difficult to please in dating.

Given the barriers I've created for myself, perhaps I should start playing the game. Perhaps delayed gratification is absolutely necessary because the rules clearly state that every man desires a challenge. I detest the idea of a woman as a reward. It feels like the epitome of objectification. I am more than happy to signal my interest by dropping my symbolic hankey but I do not want to be metaphorically jousted for. Appreciate me for who I am, not for what I represent to you (as I believe Alanis Morisette once sang).

Yet whichever way one looks at it, women no longer have their pick of men. It seems like there are masses of single women and very few, relationship ready, single men. So I suppose I shall have to commence a game changer. For the first time ever, I'm going to have to play hard to get. Tips and techniques gratefully received.

Oh flipping yikes!


The RGF xx

March edit: still no game plan, happy to keep it that way. 

Wednesday, 21 December 2016


My creative spark seems to have taken early retirement. Or perhaps it's on sabbatical. Not so long ago, I felt truly inspired. From around Julyish, both pain and elation, created through love, were the committed companions of creativity. I did not find either to be the greater inspiration. Thus, I believe we can say, that love and all its’ accessories invokes wordy innovation.

When one stops being in love, so ends the poetry. As it was the intensity and loss of romantic love that made my words dance.

All I feel now are memories. At these, I smile. They are tiny ripples on the sands of romance. Gone, yet not forgotten. In part, I thank the man who gave them to me. Although it was my responses to him that I'm most grateful for. I was ready for love. He, on the other hand, was not. That mattered for a while. Then it stopped being important. 

In short, I'm rather pleased that I operate without filter. When love lands in my heart, I'm not trying to side step it. I simply go with the flow. 

Here's to unfiltered. Here's to love. And here's to words. 


Thursday, 8 December 2016


I'm a vast array of ‘too’. On the face of it, the previous sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. Fear not, if you were feeling concerned for my sloppy use of language. In a few sentences time, you'll know exactly what I mean.

I have been described as ‘intense’. Indeed, I've been described as too intense. I deem this compliment, though I doubt it has always been meant as one. There are times when intense is inappropriate. Where  ‘intense’, is going to detract from the joy of life, rather than add to it. For example, imagine you're writing an in-depth report and some fool chooses that moment to embark upon an intense debate. In other words, when ‘intense’ is combined with poor timing, it's too much. I'm fairly good at being considerate so I'm unlikely to offer my intensity at the wrong moment. This leads me to another 'too’.

I'm also too nice, which I take to mean - I'm not an arsehole. So kudos to everyone that has ever called me too nice, as if it's a bad thing. If you think about it, too nice is what we should all aspire to be. Whereas one should probably avoid being an arsehole. Now obviously, if you combine intense with twattish behaviour, this creates a terrible combination. If one encounters arseyness, you'd certainly hope for it to be fairly wishy-washy rather than the bang-in-your-face variety. Fortunately, I'm both nice and intense so I naturally avoid such dire combinations. Go me!

There are probably other examples of 'too’, when thinking about my personality but I'll end with too sensitive. I've long been called sensitive. This is the extremely emosh brand of sensitive, rather than the punch someone in the face for breathing sort. Obviously, I'm far too nice for random face punching, as has previously been identified. Even the slightest element of emotional content can generate tears. Im not crying for me. It's not suppressed anger or frustration, it's compassion in watery form. This is because I care about people. I want the world to smile, which seems like a pretty sound thing to hope for.  Empathy can't ever be a bad thing. 

So thank you in advance to all who deem me too sensitive, too intense and too nice. This simply means I'm interesting, kind and flipping ace at empathy.


The RGF xx

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Self Google

I'm a self-encyclopaedia. The Google of the self. I'm so in touch with the inner me, I have the full range of Hazel elements on speed dial. Given this teeming mass of self-knowledge, why do I descend into babbling brook of ridiculousness when I'm heavily attracted to someone. Why, when presented with someone I really like, do I switch into idiot mode.

When in lust, every thought that pops into my head, leaves my mouth in a lengthy ramble. Granted, the rambles are mixed with moments of comedy because you know, I'm highly amusing and sometimes it's intentional. But there are numerous times when I forget the basic principles of sentence construction. Or how to form actual coherent words. These things are maddening yet seemingly unavoidable.

Therefore, if you happen to be on the receiving end of a hefty number of my random tangents, mixed with a very frequent blush face then you're very fortunate because it means you're ticking every single one of my dating boxes. Moreover, my self-knowledge hasn't actually left the building, it's just on hiatus.


The RGF xxx

PS. Yes, this blog is describing a current situation. ;-)

Monday, 28 November 2016


I'm almost tangled up in something. I'm unsure if it's remnants of what was or hints of what will be. 

It's fragment. Whispers. Like a silent echo. 

In this moment, not looking back or ahead - I feel little waves of excitement. 

Monday, 7 November 2016

Man filter

Calling all the:

Apply this to all your interactions with men:

And arrive at:

*A Mann filter has something to do with vehicles (ask a mechanic). It will not filter men. However if someone can point me in the direction of a man magnet complete with configurable man filter, I'd be pleased. Tia, xx

Friday, 4 November 2016


There have been updates to the endless playlist thus......

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Ask me in eternity

I walked past the place today.
The place I've known.
The feel of it has changed.
It is pulled outside time.
Distorted. Dreamlike. Surreal.
Our ghosts are still there.
Standing still waiting.
Eyes connected.
Hands clasped.
Souls lost in translation.
Echoes could have been harmonies.

I can trace our outlines with the fingers of my memory.
Ask me in eternity.
We'll be there still.

Monday, 24 October 2016

The first

It wasn't just the first time I saw your was the first time I read your words, when first your voice touched my ears, the first time you walked towards me, when your fingers curled around mine for the first time. The electricity of each first we shared was painfully echoed in our last. Yet you have not gone. You shadow my every step. Like staring at the sun, my eyes hurt but I cannot look away.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Shopping for love?

In many respects, dating sites are rather like shopping for a partner. We browse the virtual aisles. We consider the 'items’ on display. In short, we make a decision about compatibility based on information which reduces humans to mere merchandise.  

Moreover, the people, based on the information provided, may be:

  • Exciting yet likely to cause long term health problems
  • Long life, reliable product but will soon generate extreme boredom
  • Shiny, pretty packaging with limited contents
  • Seemingly sweet with hidden toxic elements
  • Batteries not included
  • Everything you'd look for in product but it's currently unavailable
  • Will break down as soon as you take the product home
  • Bogof
  • Product actually belongs to someone else
  • Misleading product information
  • Counterfeit product
  • Does not do what it says on the tin
  • Unclear what the product is or what it's for
  • This product is out if your price range
  • Product compatibility issues
  • Product information is illegible
  • Product is likely to cause offense
  • Only available on short term loan basis
  • Absolute bargain. Perfection. The one.

The process of searching on a dating site is soulless one. We are all more than a dating profile. Not everyone is wonderfully photogenic or knows how to use filters. Some people may be amazing in real life but terrible on paper. Yet how else do we meet the people that might enhance our lives romantically? Where else might they be?


Saturday, 15 October 2016

Dear you

You won't read these words so I don't need to be cryptic. I can speak my soul into the abyss that is my blog. In many respects, it's the only thing that listens to my struggle. I'm not unhappy. Granted, I'm less jovial than I was before we met but essentially I'm ok. I count my many blessings. I'm not crying into a pillow every night nor am I operating in Bridget Jones mode. There's no vodka or Sad FM on my radio.

I love my family greatly. My colleagues are super fabulous. I have some really good friends. Domestic life can be stressful. Anything that includes children has moments of madness. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's amazing. Sometimes it's hell on earth. I'm realistic and occasionally idealistic. All things considered, life is good (despite your absence).

I'm dating again. I stopped for a while. Couldn't quite bring myself to talk to anyone with a view to something because my view was obscured by your face. So I suppose you have faded somewhat because I'm back in the saddle again. Albeit side-saddle, half-hearted and cautious.

For a little while, I thought my soulmate would turn up somehow. Maybe in the queue at Tesco or the Post Office. There's a limit to how often you can frequent these places, just in case Sir Unicorn randomly appears. I also started to wonder whether the soulmate theory was utter crap. The jury is still out on this.  The jury has barrels of coffee, cakes and duvets. They know the decision will be tricky and lengthy. Initial rumbles suggest that the outcome may be a matter of perspective. I certainly hope they're wrong on this.

The dating site usage has resumed. It's mostly harmless and probably pointless. That said, there has been some interesting interactions. Well, one really. Maybe this connection will continue. Time will tell.

Of course about 90℅ of me still feels like you're the one. The other 10% is asleep, otherwise it would agree with the majority. Perhaps time will alter this view. Rather wish I was Marty McFly. Backwards, forwards - either direction works for me.

I have to work with what I have. Or rather, I have to work with what I don't have. I don't have you. We're not even friends now. Thus, based on that fact, life goes on without you. It has to. So, unless perpetually single has suddenly become my go to place, dating is necessary and happening.

Somehow I know that a part of me will still miss you in ten years time, in fact, in infinite time. Of course the cynics would mock this theory as the over zealous imaginings of a romantic. Yet I know my mind. Moreover, I know my heart. Some people leave their mark, regardless of how long they stay. You took a part of me with you. It won't return unless you do. This is ok. I'll get along in any future outcome because I'm a strong woman with a good heart.



Friday, 14 October 2016

Restless letters


Shall I be shadowed by the signs
Each step forward, a thousand back
Your name, you, echoes the divine
This heart a prison and soul is glass
Inescapable still - trapped by time
Muted notes scar, despite the cuirass
   And restless letters scream at me
   Stop the noise, return my liberty

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Ultimate playlist

As I suspected, the creation of the playlist to end all playlists was a sizeable undertaking. Not only in terms of words on virtual page but the thinking power required was larger than anticipated.  In fact, this list has taken so long to write that I started to wonder whether I should just write a tribute to the ultimate playlist ala Tenacious D.  This would lead me to write ‘A house Endless Art’ - et voilĂ . Moreover, it is all very well knowing and loving the tunes but remembering them all on demand proved to be rather difficult.  Yet somehow, in direct contradiction to this, every time I thought I’d reached the end of the list, about four or five songs offered themselves up for addition.  It started to feel like much like the A house track already mentioned – endless art.  I’m basically an encyclopaedia for the best songs ever written. The love of a song and artist is entirely subjective? Surely musical genius is a matter of objective truth?  ;-)

It is entirely possible that this playlist has been a barrier to work, housework, sleep, relaxation and thinking of anything else other than the playlist.  Given the girth of distraction, it is a relief to finally reach the end.  And yet, as already suggested, is it the end?  Can one ever create the definitive, ultimate playlist? Unless we assume that all good music has already been written, which is a ridiculous notion, then no.  The playlist to end all playlists is, by its very nature, perpetual work in progress. Thus, this is the first draft, as complete as I’m capable of at this time.

Note: The Beatles songs are tricky to locate on You Tube but damn, so many covers.

So………in no particular order, here is the perfect playlist and the playlist links (edit: some videos have been helpfully blocked. Cheers You Tube. Spotify playlists needed). 

(Further edit: if you play the playlists via a PC or laptop or just avoid You Tube mobile, the tracks all work. Damn those adverts though. Painful).

Additional mini playlist of previously unannounced gems of musical achievements:

Mellow guitar

Folk and mellow

Dance floor


Hip hop vibe

57 guitars


Ever incomplete, I've added to Mellow Guitar, Hip Hop Vibe and Dance Floor playlists......

Radiohead - Creep 
It soundtracked a transformation in me. Through this song, and in life formed alongside it, I became more myself.

Nick Drake - Pink Moon 
This song is reputed to be about transformation so an appropriate choice for the soundtrack of my life.  It is an achievement, both lyrically and musically.

The Cure - Close to me 

The Cure - The Caterpillar 

Cafe de la mar - Energy 52
Missed this of the first draft. Faux pas. 

The Beatles - Real Love 
The reasons are obvious.  It is beautiful in sentiment, in music and in lyrics.  

Chaka Khan - I feel for you 

Prodigy - Firestarter 

Emmy the Great - Constantly

Mazzy Star - Fade into you

EMF - Unbelievable

Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody

Chumbawamba - Homophobia

The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses 

Nancy Wallace - Are You Ready for Love 
This stripped back cover of Elton John's song makes my soul sigh.

DJ Crust - Warhead 
It was about time something hardcore got a look in. This track makes me dance like a demon. I've forgotten some serious social gatherings to this track.

Wings - Band on the Run 
It's like a series of songs in one. A rock symphony.

Sucioperrro - The Ruins 
I saw them play this a record store in Scotland.  Wonderful times.

Nirvana - Come As You Are 

Nirvana - Rape Me
Excellent song yet terrifying song title.

Nirvana - Something in the Way 

Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box 

Biffy Clyro - Bubbles 
This is Biffy’s first mention, it will not be their last.

Biffy Clyro - Bodies in Flight 
As indicated above, Biffy again.  This song is like I'm being spiritually amplified.

Grimes - Be a Body 
It's like angels landed in her voice.  Some songs seem to be written in the annals of time.  In other words, this track, like some others on this playlist, is as if an artist connects with something that is of the divine, floating in nature, unheard but in existence then releases into the world.   

Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love 

Fleetwood Mac – Albatross 

Goldfrapp -  Lovely Head 

Goldfrapp – Utopia 
See Grimes – Be a Body

Wings - My Love 

Chumbawamba - Enough is Enough 
First heard in the Victoria Hall in Hanley, when they supported The Levellers.  I fell in love with this band. The lyrics resonate in these times more than when I first heard them.  Racism is rife.  This is both sad and terrifying.

The Levellers - What You Know 

The Levellers - The Devil Went Down to Georgia 

The Levellers - One Way 

Race against the machine - Killing in the Name of 
See Chumbawamba – Enough is Enough. 

Faith No More - Epic 
I had such a crush on Mike Patton.  I wasn’t keen on his massive moustache when they played Pheonxi Festival 1993.  They were epic.  Pun intended.

Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings 
And not just because it was used in Spaced.  I loved it way before that happened.

Faithless - Insomnia 
This song is about the inability sleep which is interesting because when I play this tune and crank up the volume, it’s like my spirit wakes up.

Manic Street Preachers - Motorcycle Emptiness 

Rachmaninoff – Symphony No. 2 in E minor 
Musical perfection.

Laura Mvula – Green Garden 

Joan Baez - Diamonds and Rust 
This was written about her relationship with Bob Dylan.

The Smiths – Reel Around the Fountain 

Bob Dylan - Twist of Fate 

Arcane Roots - You Are 

Arcane Roots - Energy is Never Lost Just Redirected 

Chopin – Nocture Op.9 No.2 

Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata 

House of Pain – Jump Around 

Primal Scream - Higher Than the Sun. 

Mozart – Piano Concerto No.21 

Gustav Holst - The Planets 

Dry the River - Weights and Measures 
I’ve recently blogged about this track.  Adore much.

The Beatles - Come Together 

The Beatles – Julia 

The Smiths – Cemetry Gates 

The Smiths - There is a light that never goes out 

Marmaduke duke – Silhouettes 
Possibly my favourite Marmaduke duke track.

Roni Size (Aphrodite remix) – Brown Paper Bag 

Aphrodite – Stalker 

Mooi – Sway 

Lamb – Gorecki 

Florence and the machine – Howl 

Kate Bush – Cloudbursting 

The Buggles – Video Killed the Radio Star
It has to go in because it was the first record I ever bought, unless we count Shakin Stevens’ Green Door, which perhaps we shouldn’t because Shaky detracts from my super cool image.   

Babylon Zoo - Spaceman 

Talking Heads – Psycho Killer 

Florence and The Machine – Never Let Me Go 

A House – Endless Art 
This song is about endless art, this playlist is about endless art.  Not to include it would be a crime against a point well made. Plus I refer to it in my introduction. Meta vibes.

The Sultans of Ping FC – Where’s me Jumper 
I saw them play for five minutes at a free music festival.  I arrived late because I looked too young to buy alcohol in the off-licence.

The Sultans of Ping - You Talk Too Much 

Cud – Rich and Strange
Because I am both rich and strange. Okay, just one of these describes me accurately.

The Mission – All Tangled up in you 

Marilyn Manson – The Beautiful People 

Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love 

Pearl Jam – Alive 
I have the vinyl picture disc for this single.  Like the one ring, it is my own precious.

Pearl Jam – Even flow 

Grimes – Realti 

The Prodigy – Out of Space 

Alanis Morrisette – Not the Doctor 

Alanis Morrisette – You Oughta Know 

The Orb – Perpetual Dawn 
The Orb were my first dance artist gig experience.  What a wonderful first it was.

Alpine – Villages 

Alpine – Damn Baby

Harry Nilsson – Without You 
Tragically pulverised by Mariah Carey.  Yet the song itself is so incredible, it’s almost beyond comprehension.

The Beatles – I’ve Just Seen a Face 

Joan Baez (Jackson Browne cover) - Fountain of Sorrow 

Sinead Lohan - No Mermaid 

Alicia's Attic - Incidentals 

Alicia’s Attic - I am, I feel 

Sinead Lohan - You're in my Love 

Culture Shock - Pressure 
Some serious hardcore leaping about to this track at Chicos nightclub in Hanley.

Paul McCartney - This Never Happened Before 

Soulwax - Conversation Intercom 

Soulwax - E Talking 

Daft Punk - One More Time 

Kate Tempest - Lonely Days 

Kate Tempest - Circles 

Bat for Lashes - Daniel 
Ye gods this woman is amazing live!

Bat for Lashes - Pearl's Dream 

Nick Drake - From the Morning 

Nick Drake - Riverman 

John Martyn - Head and Heart 

Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice it's Alright 
This is one of my daughter’s lullaby songs.  Yes.  We are odd.

Emmy the great - Swimming Pool 

Emmy the Great - Algorithm 

Thin Lizzy - Whiskey in the Jar 

Black Sabbath - Paranoid 
This is another of my daughter’s lullaby songs.  Joke.  Ha.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb 

Blondie - Heart of Glass 

Elbow - One Day Like This 
I watched this incredible band at Bestival.  Doves were on just before them.  The good times rolled.

Nick Drake - From the Morning 

Nick Drake - Riverman 

John Martyn - Head and Heart 

Doves - Pounding 

The Hives - Main Offender 

Bat for Lashes - All Your Gold 

Therapy? - Screamager 

Biffy Clyro – 57 
Marvellous live.  Marvellous full-stop.

Biffy Clyro - Folding Stars 

Biffy Clyro - Glitter and Trauma 

Pendulum - Blood Sugar 
“The sonic recreation of the end of the world.  Prepare to hold your colour”.  I’m quoting from the track.  Listen and you will adore.

Pendulum - Tarantula 

Make sparks - Rewind 
I saw them support Sucioperro in Glasgow.  They made an impresion.

2Many DJs / Soulwax - A Fifth of Beethoven 

Blue Swede - Hooked on a Feeling 

Sucioperro - Dialog on the 2 

Sucioperro - The Altruist 

Sucioperro - Dissident Code 

Sucioperro - Landslide 

Sucioperro - Grace and out of me 

Sucioperro - The Drop 

Arcane roots - Resolve 

Crowded House - Pineapple Head 

The Cardigans - Erase and Rewind 

Lush - Lady Killer 

Suede - Animal Nitrate 

Blur - Song 2 

The Wannadies - You and Me Song 

Shed Seven - Disco Down 

Shed Seven - Parallel Lines 

Shed Seven - Chasing Rainbows 

The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun 

The Beatles - Something 

The Beatles - Hey Jude 

The Beatles - The End 

The Beatles - I will 

The Beatles - Oh Darling 

The Beatles - Let it be 

The Beatles - Norwegian Wood 

Grandmaster Flash - White Lines 

Snoop Doggy Dog Feat. Pharrell - Drop It Like it's Hot 

Kelis - Good Stuff 

Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know 

Muse - Supermassive Black Holes 

The Fray - Hundred 

FPI Project - Risky 

Stonebridge - Put ‘em High 

Portishead - Glory Box 

The Streets - Don't Mug Yourself 

The Streets - Sharp Darts 

Baby D - Let Be Me Your Fantasy 

Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy 

Dry The River - New Ceremony 

Dry The River - Gethsemane 

Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows 

Beck - Loser 

Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Flexible Head 

Foo Fighters - All My Life 

Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench 

Medalark 11 - Miles 

Stone Roses - I am the Resurrection 

Stone Roses - Waterfall 

TLC - Waterfall 

Missy Elliott - Work it 

The Revolting Cocks - Beers, Steers and Queers 

Sasha - Fibonacci Sequence (The Light Remix) 

Sasha - Xpander 

Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice 

Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now 

Sneaker Pimps - Spin Spin Sugar 

Tori Amos - Professional Widow 

Cypress Hill - Hits from the Bong 

Cypress Hill - Insane in the Membrane 

Elastica - Connection 

Laura Mvula - That's Alright 

Sade - You're Love is King

The Source Feat. Candi Staton - You Got The Love 


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