Friday, 21 July 2017

My daughter

Sometimes I watch you sleep and marvel at your perfection. Your face is much the same as it was when I first held you. You're all arms and legs now, where once you were round. Your first smile, first giggle, first words - they all seem like yesterday but you're five years old. One day you'll be a woman. I know I'll still see the baby you, wrapped up in the years of your growth.

I can remember feeling terrified of motherhood. I had no idea of where to begin. This tiny person - vulnerable, perfect - entirely dependent upon me. Even when it's exactly what you want, it seems impossible to do. Yet I'm doing it and sometimes it's utterly amazing.

Though drained with a labour that lasted for days, I could still feel  the warmth of you on my chest. I can remember that feeling. You looked up at me and all the dreams of love that I'd felt as you grew inside me, solidified as our eyes met. Your eyes were newborn blue then, they're hazel now. The colour of my name.

Today is the last day of term. September will mark your transcendence into Year One. Not for the first time, I'm excited and sad simultaneously. And isn't this the cornerstone of parenthood. It gathers so many emotions together, at exactly the same time. It makes life before your child seem distant. The parenting challenges drag yet the stages of childhood zip by at ridiculous speed. I suppose The Doctor would say that parenthood is very "timey wimey".

For all the struggles, especially those brought about by being a single mother - I would not change a thing.

To my beautiful daughter. You are amazing. I love you more than you can imagine.

❣️ The RGF ❣️

Monday, 17 July 2017

Feelings

I'm placing this here, even though the romantic part of me wants to send the link to you. If you see it because you decided to rummage through my blog, then it was meant to be seen. Either way, I want to place the energy of my feelings somewhere public. I want to shout them.  I'm so happy we've met. 😍


Sunday, 16 July 2017

Searching for the ghost

Was searching for the ghost
Though I never knew
A memory, forgotten past
The fading tale of you
Was dreamlike then
Not lucid, blurred 
Like shadow in the rain
Finally I woke myself
Found place rather than train



Ghosts

I saw a picture a few days ago. I stared at it for a long time. The man in the image was familiar but I didn't know why. Not a first. It was a man who committed a crime in America many years ago. The recolouration of the image made it appear recent. The man seemed to be posing for the camera. Only on closer inspection could I see the ancient hand-cuffs and the thread bare clothes. I discovered that it was a picture of Lewis Powell / Payne, captured and sentenced to death because he had been found guilty of conspiracy to kidnap Abraham Lincoln.

He didn't look like he belonged there. He looked like he had found himself in the wrong place, at the wrong time. From what I've read, he met his co-conspirators by chance. His life may have lasted longer, if their paths hadn't crossed. How sad.

As hinted, his image was familiar to me. I realised that he looked like somebody that I used to know. So much so, it was if the man I knew had travelled back in time.  In fact, I used to wish that he could time travel. To a future point, where his emotions were healed. Of course, I don't feel like that now because my emotions are connecting with someone else. Nevertheless, seeing this picture was an eerie experience for me. Two men. Incredibly alike. Both ghosts.


Saturday, 15 July 2017

Friday, 14 July 2017

Romanticising

Today I allowed myself to imagine. Despite my determination, a Bridget Jones' dum dum de dum vision of the future slipped in through the back door of my mind. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Women are prone to painting a future way before it's appropriate to do so.  Though, of course, few of us care to admit this.

I've always been a bit shit at wall building. I'm better at gateways with poor security systems and welcome mats. In other words, I'm quick to fall in love but slow to fall out of it. As beautiful as it is to be open and as impossible as it is to rewrite my operating system - I'm extra determined to avoid romanticising a possible future. I don't know what will happen but I do know that my romantic life is fantastic right now.

The RGF
Xxx

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Feelings start

~Something visceral
And beautifully wild
Shimmering ripples
Beginning inside
Not just body
Or even heart
You sing the songs
That will make my feelings start.~ 

Highlighted post

Your transient

~ Give me lines on glass The dawn tides And walking past Bring me feathery flashes The midnight moments And backward glances ...

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