Tuesday, 17 March 2015

How men and women prepare for dates

About an hour before man needs to leave the house, man showers and brushes his teeth.  Man then gets dressed in clothes that are fresh smelling.  Man checks freshness of clothes by carrying out the sniff test. If man is extremely excited about the date he uses aftershave.  Man puts on coat and leaves house.  Arrives at date feeling nervous, looks down at top and notices stray toothpaste. 

About two weeks before the date woman begins date preparations. These, although by no means an exhaustive list, include:

  • Crash dieting and exercise attempts to make herself super slim, even though man already knows what she looks like
  • Buys new outfit including coordinating accessories, even though man probably won’t notice accessories or, in fact outfit
  • Buys completely unneeded new makeup and nail varnish
  • Ignores new nail varnish, instead books both pedicure and manicure at over-priced beauty salon
  • Attempts to restyle hair
  • Applies deep conditioning treatments to hair daily
  • Tries on every outfit in wardrobe, at least twice
  • Buys new underwear, just in case
  • Begins daily skincare routine
  • Plucks eyebrows in accordance with current eyebrow styles, guided by Cosmopolitan magazine or similar
  • Has numerous discussion with friends about hair, makeup, nails, underwear, outfit and so on
  • The day before the date, woman removes unwanted body hair.   If woman hasn’t dated for a while, this process takes a lot of time.  The result is that woman no longer resembles Cousin It. 

From this

To this
On the day of the date, woman has a shower about 5 hours before she needs to leave the house.  Woman washes and conditions her hair, then spends approximately 30 minutes exfoliating her skin.  Woman leaves shower about an hour later.  Woman applies half a tub of body lotion to her skin.  Woman combs hair until completely tangle free, then commences hair styling. Woman walks through a cloud of her favourite perfume and sprays some near her crotch area, just in case.  

Woman brushes her teeth for about 30 minutes.  Then the make up application process commences.  This could take anything from 30 minutes to 2 hours.  Woman then tries on everything from her wardrobe again, decides to wear the first outfit she tried.  Woman places all items in her handbag that she believes she might need, plus a fair number of items that she knows she definitely won’t.  For good measure, woman reapplies perfume.  Woman puts on her coat and leaves the house.    Like man, woman arrives at the date feeling nervous, looks down at her outfit and notices stray toothpaste.  

This is a loose guide.  Some of it is moderate exaggeration for comedic effect, except the Cousin It comment, that's factual.  Some people do more prep, some people do less. Never-the-less, preparing for date can be rather terrifying.  Fun but terrifying.


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