Monday, 27 October 2014

Finding my way

I've been a single parent since July this year.  I'm slowly getting used to going it alone.  It can be challenging at times and it is certainly hugely tiring.  I must say that I admire parents.  I admire all parents.  Even those parents that aren't doing their best.  Yet single parents strike me as the one's that demand the most recognition.

Not every parent is brilliant at their job, but in the majority of cases, I think this is because the job is very difficult.  In my view, most parents, regardless of their family configuration do their best, most of the time.

Surprisingly, given the first few paragraphs, this blog isn't about parenting.  It's about finding my way.  It's about knowing who I am and being true to myself.  For the longest time, I've tried really hard to squeeze my square peg self into round holes.  In other words, I've tried to fit in.  I've tried to find happiness by searching for the perfect romantic partner or a career that ticks all my boxes.  I've discovered that these things do not make me happy.  To generalise, these things don't make people happy.  Happiness is something else. Being yourself is something else too.

By throwing myself in at the parenting deep end, by single parenting my toddler.  By spending more time on my own.  By ceasing my perpetual search for a soulmate.  By knowing that I'd like a job but realising that the 'right' one won't make me happy.  By doing all these things, I am finding my way back to me.  By living in the moment.  By noticing my surroundings.  By playing with my daughter.  By acknowledging people's kindness.  By being politely assertive.  By being happy with myself.  I am finding my way towards happiness.  Real happiness.  The kind that isn't fleeting but is almost perpetual.

In the end, when I look back upon my life, it won't be the things that I did that will matter.  What will matter, will be how I felt doing those things.  If I can look back upon my life and say, I was mostly happy, I will have achieved everything that truly matters.



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