Tuesday, 21 April 2009


I visited the dentist today but before you yawn and say to yourself, you're writing a blog about visiting the dentist and anticipate that people might read it without falling asleep, do bare with me....it may be more interesting than appearences would suggest. Anyway, I arrived at the dentist, sat in the chair of pain, was lowered, then tilted and waited for the needle of death to arrive in my gums (root canal - gulp). I'm perfectly happy to give blood but do object to needles being inserted into my mouth. It's just a personal thing but I'm definately against it. Two injections later, some chatting, followed by that terrible numbness - then, the horror that is dental care started. A range of drills were used. At one stage, I found myself wondering whether Zoe (my dentist) was going to assist the local council with roadwork drilling but no, she was actually going to use this vastly over-sized drill on my tooth! An outrage. Months passed, well no minutes really but they felt like months. I tried really hard to pretend I was on a beach. I tried to meditate - but how on earth can anyone get into a zen like state with a road drill whizzing around your mouth. The unpleasant sensations continued and then I noticed that something was digging in the back of my head. I thought, that's odd - I was anticipating all kinds of digging into my mouth but not into my head. Surely my head is off limits? Could it it be that I was in fact not in the chair of dental hell but was instead being inserted into the matrix (if you've seen the film, you'll know what I mean)? Was something being plugged into the back of my head and at any moment, Neo would walk in, leather-clad and whisk me off to a virtual world / false real world? At one stage I heard someone (this turned out to be Zoe) say can you get me the Matrix belt! This really encouraged my matrix fantasy to take over for a time. Then, reality kicked back in, the rubber / metal torture device was removed from my face. A little more drilling (to smooth the filling over but I think it was just for fun - Zoe's not mine), a quick x:ray and that was it. No sign of Neo. I handed over a very large cheque to the dental receptionist (which wasn't accepted, apparently I'd asked the Building Society to print the wrong name - genius). That was it - I walked away with a lop-sided baloon head and no possibly of smiling symmetrically for a few hours or so. I'm seeing Zoe again on Saturday but thankfully I know her socially and no dentistry will take place. However, if Neo wants to stop by, this will be more than acceptable.

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