Time travel

Somehow time travel still remains at forefront of my mind. 

If I could ride my thoughts, I would. 

Perfect brew

Sometimes it would be truly lovely if someone was around, just once a week, to make me a cup of tea in the morning. I'd flipping worship that brew. It wouldn't have to be perfect. Flavoursome. Drinkable. Proffered in a clean mug. But certainly not tea perfection. I'd quite appreciate a cooked breakfast, a back rub and, let's be idealistic, myriad gifts but I'd happily settle for a cup of tea in the morning.  

Blame and domestic abuse

Why don't people necessarily recognise when they are in an abusive relationship? Why don't they all leave immediately?

The answers​ are far from straightforward. It would be near on impossible for either a professional or a victim of abuse to give a conclusive answer. Based on my experience of domestic abuse, personal research and an awareness course - these thoughts are a starting point:

• To acknowledge the existence of domestic abuse in a relationship, we must understand exactly what domestic abuse is. Physical violence is a fairly obvious example. As is rape and sexual assault. Whereas financial, emotional and psychological abuse are more difficult to recognise. 

• The domestic abuser is often someone that the victim loves. The abuser moves from monster to lover constantly. They manipulate. This does not mean that the victim is stupid, it means the abuser is a master of their art. They were manipulating their victim from day one. They know how to charm. They know how to get what they want. The more sociopathic the abuser, the harder they are to spot. 

• Once you love someone, it takes some time to unpick your feelings. The victim is trying to recategorise their abuser into someone who is a million miles from the person they thought they knew. This can take time. Whilst the victim tries to make sense of their feelings, the abuser is trying to win them over in any way they can - from declarations of love to suicide threats. 

• When we love, we idealise. We make allowances for personality flaws. We make excuses for misdemeanours. Yes, even if it means operating in opposition to everything we believe in. It sounds incredulous to suggest that a victim of abuse can accept the abuser's excuses if there has been physical or sexual attacks. But we must remember that the victim has invested in the relationship. The abuser may well be a master of manipulation. They will go to great lengths to hold onto the object of their control. 

• Sometimes victims are vulnerable upon entering the abusive relationship. They may have physical or mental illness prior to meeting the abusive partner. This makes it easier for the abuser to abuse. 

• Mothers fear for themselves and their children. The abuser may threaten to kill them if they leave. Escape may seem difficult, even impossible. Remember abusive people seek to undermine autonomy. Thus the victim may not feel in control of their lives. This doesn't happen immediately but over time they may be scared to leave and scared to stay. 

• Abusers can physically prevent their victim from leaving by restraining them and / or harming them. They may continually suggest that the police won't help. The victim may start to question their own sanity. 

• Victims often blame themselves. We are taught to take responsibility for our own actions and we are told that their are two sides to every argument. Only the most self-important of people fail to ponder if they might be partly at fault when contentious situations arrise. And abusers blame the victim anyway thus the victim's doubts are internal then reinforced externally. This may be seen as the 'blame trap'.

• The 'blame trap' supports the abuse. The victim blames​ themselves. The abuser blames​ the victim. Onlookers treat the victim with contempt because they cannot comprehend how they ever ended up in an abusive relationship. The victim feels ashamed because no one wants to appear vulnerable or weak. The abuser feeds that fear. Contempt from other people feed that fear. And so it continues. 

In summary, domestic abuse is multi-faceted. Each person's experience of it differs: the abuser's modus operandi, the victim's back-story, the victim's responses and other factors may contribute.

People think they know exactly how they'd respond to a domestic abuser. They believe they'd recognise manipulation and control as soon as it begins. Yet the reality is quite different, for the reasons outlined above and likely others not discussed here.

As indicated, those who haven't experienced abuse can look towards the victims with contempt. They ask: surely domestic abuse is obvious and boldly suggest that everyone would leave at the first sign of it. This, at best, is a partial viewpoint and at worse both inaccurate and indirectly contributory. Moreover it completely misses the real issue.

As human beings we should seek to educate ourselves on the signs of domestic abuse. We should support family and friends, if we believe they are victims of abuse. Domestic abuse is always unacceptable. Not only does it damage lives, it can end them. Every time we are incredulous towards the victim, we fail to acknowledge the reality: the fault lies with the abuser and a society that allows domestic abuse to continue.

The light

We "must be captivated by the light. Always the light" (The Lake House). In the context of the film, the words apply to architecture. How the architect must consult with nature when creating a structure that will stand the test of time.

I think it is light - in all that may be considered beautiful in this world, that must guide us. Not the kind of beauty that is illusionary but the kind that begins at the core and shines upon the world. 

Xxx

Blind

Treat people with kindness. Not the kindness they deserve because what they deserve is subjective.

Basically, we should realise that "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind” (Gandhi).

Invisible

For some reason, I quoted Kate from The Lake House on my dating profile. Perhaps I was alluding to the soulmate concept, in a vague hope of finding them. Im theorising on this. Doubtless I knew the reason on a subconscious level but I don't recall making a conscious choice. These are the beautiful words “sometimes I feel as though I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all. I never felt that way when I lived at the lake house”.

Kate lost something of herself when she left the lake house or, if you know the film / book, she hadn't found it yet.  The lake house sat between two worlds and two time frames. In it was her past, her future and the man she was yet to love / loved from the beginning.

As I re-quote her, I realise that I know the words without checking. Many aspects from the film resonate with me but I thought the star crossed lover element had mainly pulled me in. The sense of finding someone at the wrong time - just like Jane Austen’s Persuasion which the film heavily references.  As I recall these words, “sometimes I feel like I'm invisible”, I realise that the truth is far more difficult. It is not merely that my time frame is out of sync with someone elses, it is that I'm somehow invisible. Though I have a clear understanding of myself. I don't feel that I belong here.  Like Radiohead's Creep, I really am a weirdo.

In short, my tribe has very few people in it. In many respects, it's just me and my daughter. The small number of connections beyond family are dispersed through the repeated requirements of adulting. Even though I quite like being different and certainly don't know how to be otherwise - there are times when I'm just a little bit lonely.

Maybe I need to find my lake house or at least the space where my time frame connects up with someone elses. 

The shiny step

I was talking to a friend about domestic abuse some months back. She told me​ a story of a woman who was often injured by her husband. The story took place in a time where ladies on terraced streets kept their front steps clean. The cleanliness of your front step represented who you were. It mattered in the context they lived in. There was a woman in the story who didn't keep her step clean. She was the victim of domestic abuse. One of woman's neighbours commented, in scalding response to this woman's situation "well, look at the state of her step". The implication being that she deserved the abuse. Her husband was entitled to injure her because she wasn't maintaining proper standards. I'll let that sink in. It's an appalling statement isn't it. Though spoken many years ago, similar mentalities continue today.

I had another conversation with an ex colleague about the physical abuse experienced by Rihanna at the hands of Chris Brown. Notably we discussed the heavily publicised attack that left Rihanna injured. My ex colleague said "she probably deserved it". Obviously I was very swift to correct her, once I'd recovered from my shock at her words. The context of the abuse is irrelevant. Unless he was literally fighting for his life (he wasn't) then, no, Rihanna was the victim of abuse. There is no justification. There is victim. There is perpetrator. That's it.

Abusers will utilise every excuse at their disposal to justify their behaviour. Examples will include: I was stressed. You drove me to it. Whispering a threat is not the same as shouting it. I was jealous. I was drunk. I was stoned.  I was joking. You started the argument. You were jealous. I was worried..........

Abusers can be brilliant at disguising their behaviour. They can switch their emotions on and off. One moment they can be calm, the next screaming threats. Life with an abusive person is like dancing on eggshells. You always try to second guess them. Sometimes you recognise the signs of what's to come, which is abuse in itself. Sometimes it comes from nowhere.

There is no justification. Each of the stories above have common themes - abusers who believe they are justified in hurting someone else and bystanders who normalise thus accept their behaviour.

If you believe you are being abused, you are. Leave the abuser. If you see abuse, help the victim as quickly and, if possible, as discreetly as feasible. Only by standing together against domestic abuse will it ever end.

Xxx