Romanticising

Today I allowed myself to imagine. Despite my determination, a Bridget Jones' dum dum de dum vision of the future slipped in through the back door of my mind. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Women are prone to painting a future way before it's appropriate to do so.  Though, of course, few of us care to admit this.

I've always been a bit shit at wall building. I'm better at gateways with poor security systems and welcome mats. In other words, I'm quick to fall in love but slow to fall out of it. As beautiful as it is to be open and as impossible as it is to rewrite my operating system - I'm extra determined to avoid romanticising a possible future. I don't know what will happen but I do know that my romantic life is fantastic right now.

The RGF
Xxx

Feelings start

~Something visceral

And beautifully wild

Shimmering ripples

Beginning inside

Not just body

Or even heart

You sing the songs

That will make my feelings start.~ 

That feeling

You know that feeling, when you see a book with an interesting cover. You pick it up, read the synopsis and think, ooooh this seems like my kind of book. Exactly the book you'd choose if  you had all the books on earth to choose from. You wonder if the promise of the cover, the synopsis will be all you imagine. You begin the absorption of each word with excitement. The pages seem to turn themselves. As sentences pass, chapter by chapter, you almost want to live vicariously through the story and embroil yourself completely in the papery goodness.

When a romantic connection is like that, it's really flipping amazing.

💖

The return

I had been waiting for the return. In fact my soul had half-written a blog post in anticipation of this.

If time is not linear but somehow circular, moreover, if each moment exists concurrently then maybe I knew the return would happen because it already had, is, will or maybe it was just hope. More importantly, perhaps the tenure of the return is different than I deemed. It was not his return but a return to me that I awaited.

I once said that I felt more like myself when I was him. That was true.  But in order to be completely myself, I had to feel it with or without him. I feel this now. 

I'm no longer waiting. Nothing has been lost. Everything is exactly as it should be. I have returned to myself because whatever seemed lost had never really gone.

There is also a chicken and egg situation here: I'm very excited that someone new has stumbled into my life. I don't know if he arrived because I stopped waiting or if I stopped waiting because he arrived. And it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm enjoying him in each moment. It is a connection of present and presence. In other words, it will remain for as long as it should and we'll enjoy each passing moment.

The RGF

Xxx

Blanket of silence

I pick up the hope filled jug.
Then pour it on the flames.
The hope is not you now.
You were fire, once dancing,
with love's swirling rage.
Left -
this blanket of silence,
covers me, wet, like rain.
I glance back, blinking.
Only empty space remains.
I close the lid.
Sighing.
Then slowly walk away.

Fragments

As I sang fragments of The Incidentals today, I smiled at recent memories. 😊

Blue flowers

Winding blue flowers

Around the broken clock

With frail desires

That you’ll forget-me-not

Pressing petal pieces

Into fractured time

Like inky pathways

That no longer chime

Soul's futile longing

Twine untwined, adrift

Loose ends reaching

To nowt but a rescind

~My eyes are still clouding​

At your whisper on the wind~