Shiny webs

I saw two beautiful spider webs this morning. I love how the water droplets look like tiny diamonds. 🕸️🕸️

Gunpowder

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

When I think of Bonfire Night, I don't tend to focus on the history. I can't remember the last time I saw a guy on top of a bonfire. I can remember kids gathering money for poorly constructed guys, though. I think the last time I recall seeing that was when I lived in Bolton. I remember feeling obligated to part with a few quid. There was no mention of a penny either. Though, to be fair, a penny stretched a lot further in the time of Guy Fawkes and his crew.

I've only recently realised that the target of the Gunpowder Plot was the same King James who became associated with the witch trials in England and Scotland. I don't know whether he was single-handedly responsible, but I do know that he published a book about demons, first in Scotland and later in England. He was apparently rather obsessed with witches, but in a grim way. He wanted them tortured and dead.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that, if I'd been alive during his reign, I'd have been tried as a witch and quite possibly tortured. The reasons are as follows:

1. I'm a practising witch (although, obviously, I'd have kept this firmly under the radar had I been around back then).

2. I have a birthmark, and it's pretty impossible to hide.

3. I wouldn't have wanted to watch public executions, even though the status quo would have expected it.

4. I'm a HSP.

5. I don't fit the mould.

I would never support the blowing up of Parliament, or indeed anywhere else for that matter. Yet a part of me finds myself sympathising more with Guy than with those in power. I have empathy for those who question the status quo. I have empathy for those who watch the watchmen. I have even more empathy for those who are persecuted.

This year, I'll be metaphorically placing hatred in all its forms on top of the November bonfire. As I watch the fireworks fill the sky, each explosion will be an acknowledgement of every person who didn't / doesn't fit the mould and suffers as a result.

Xxx

Crush

I have two things to share. One is utterly frivolous and makes me feel much younger than I am. Can you have celebrity crushes at 51? It must be possible because I think the only reason I watch Nobody wants this on Netflix is because Adam Brody is in it. He is unfeasibly attractive. 

In much less frivolous news. When I wrote the word crush, I immediately thought of the song Crush by Jennifer Paige. The song was once significant to Jase and I. It still moves me when I hear it. I smile when I think of the crush I once had on Jase. That smile is of course followed by sadness. 

Thinking of you Jase with smiles of happy sad. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Samhain

It's the 31st October. This feels especially poignant this year, given the very recent passing of Jase. 🐦‍⬛🖤 

In years gone by, I've always gently nodded to lost loved ones and ancestors but without as much intention as I now offer. I'm moving deeper into spiritual practices. I'm stepping deeper into myself. Jase is the catalyst of this transformation. He always pushed me to be more, do more. I'm endlessly grateful to him for this. 

This Samhain I'm sending healing to everyone I know and everyone I have known, both those those here on Earth and those that have passed over. I am also, of course, sending healing to everyone in my ancestral bloodline. 

I'm using a candle surrounded by 4 crystals. A rose quartz heart, an obsidian moon, some smoky quartz and some amethyst. 

In love and light. 

Blessed be. 

🌖🌕🌔

Today

I'm staring into the kitchen and wondering what you would have looked like in that space. You've never visited this house. Nor the 6 houses I lived in before this one (I've moved a lot). I haven't seen you in a house since you stood in our house many years ago. I don't know what you would have looked like sat on my sofa or ringing my doorbell. I could not have invited you. You would not have come. 

The last conversation we had was me congratulating you on your marriage. I've read our exchange so many times. As if I'm expecting to see something new there. Some sentiment I previously missed. There is nothing. Your message wasn't cold. It wasn't warm. But it was a response. You could have said nothing at all. So I know that you taking time to reply meant something. That I meant something once. 

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life but I had always thought that we would remain friends. Perhaps this was naive of me. Sadly, we did not remain friends. Not actively. Not even even via the occasional like of a Facebook post. Yet you remained important to me. I often spoke of you with fondness. I expected to watch you play your bass again at some point. I never did. 

What is the purpose of this musing? I think it's to remind myself and everyone to act. Never assume there is time because there isn't. We think I'll come next time. I'll see that person tomorrow. Even though we know that tomorrow can be taken from any of us, at any moment. 

Be in the moments. See the people. Talk to them. Listen to their words. Even if you aren't interested in what they're saying. If they matter to you. Drink them in. 

As Simon Neil sang "tomorrow is a promise to no one". Right now isn't promised, it's happening. That's literally all there is.

🐦‍⬛🖤💚

Meditation

Last week I did a guided meditation, guided by a trusted family friend and therapist. Without going into the details of what I experienced, it gave me great comfort and a sense of release. So much so, that I actually felt quite bouyant afterwards. A small part of me wondered if it was ok to feel ok. Even though most of me knows that it absolutely is. 

A thought for anyone experiencing grief at any stage in that journey. Allow yourself to feel. Happiness can coexist with sadness. It's ok. You are allowed to feel it all. Feelings of guilt may come up. Especially when you feel even a fleeting moment of happiness. Allow the guilt to float away. It doesn't serve you. Laugh if you can, when you can. Cry when you need to. 

Sending love and light to all. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Xxxx

Music

I managed to listen to 5 seconds of There is a light that never goes out by The Smiths. 5 seconds before tears and sheer panic. One day I'll hear it all the way through and think of you with smiles. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Memories and connections

Simon and I visited Leek on Saturday. We stayed over on a stretch of road that to me is the centre of Leekness. I met up with three old friends on that same street. I'm grateful for their time and conversation. It was healing. It was also as though no time has passed. Even though we had not seen each for many years. 

We visited some of the famous-to-me Leek pubs. I sat on the chairs that Jase once sat on. Ordered drinks from the bars that Jase once lent on. 

On Sunday Si and I sat on a bench in The Wilkes Head. The bench was still patched up with gorilla tape. Probably the same tape from 15 years ago. Wilkes, despite and maybe in part because of it's spit and sawdust aesthetic, holds a special place in my heart. I could almost sense Jase there, pint of ale in hand. Or perhaps bass guitar in hand, as it was also the location of many Tetleys gigs. 

Si and I also walked down Chorley Street and saw Jases old old house. I noticed that there was a crow sat on the chimney. This felt significant and reminded me of the owl balloon. 

On Chorley Street many years ago, I was instructed by Jase to observe the pigeons as he released a secured owl balloon from the loft room window. The balloon's resemblance to an owl was merely large eyes drawn onto a silver balloon. To a pigeon, it seems, this was threatening enough for them to fly away. Jase didn't want pigeons on his roof. 

I remember that we laughed, as the pigeons flew. Jase laughing in the loft room and me on the street. We came together afterwards and laughed some more. I wish I could distill that laughter. I wish I could polaroid it all in sharp technicolour. I wish I could go back to all the moments that we shared. The camping holidays, Metropolis, house parties, timed pub crawls, pool matches, country walks, raves, gigs, festivals, caving. So many times. So many memories. 

Thank you for being part of my life Jase. 

Thank you for being you. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Jase

 I would not be me without you Jase. You pushed me to better. You pushed me to do more. Live more. You made me a better person. I didn't thank you then. I'm thanking you now. 

Thank you Jase. 

You are the best and the brilliant. 

💖💖💖

Expression

There are some people in my life that don't allow me to express my feelings. This hurts.

These people have their reasons. I understand that but letting the feelings out matters. It makes a difference to healing. 

I'm grateful to the people that have let me speak.  

I'm grateful to this very blog that I'm writing on right now. 

I'm grateful to my phone that holds 100s of my voice notes. 

I'm grateful for every yoga practice that has enabled me to release grief from my body. 

Every time I express myself I release what needs to release. 

Everytime I express myself I heal. 

🐦‍⬛⭐💖

Truth

Today I spoke with truth and clarity. I try to speak with kindness. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings. Often to the determent of my own. I was working on my boundaries before Jase passed away. I paused. Everything paused. Now I feel I can work on my boundaries and grieve. In fact the boundaries are emerging through the grief. 

I also gave someone a crystal today. It's one that I didn't need. They had a crystal and it broke. He told me this so I felt moved to give him one of mine. I have given crystals to people before. This time it felt different. More pure somehow. No expectations. Just truth. 

I am also taking this moment to say I love you Jase. I never stopped. I loved you when we were a couple. I loved you when we were friends. I love you now. 

This is my truth.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Trust

Today I spoke to someone kind and supportive. They reminded me to trust in signs I have sensed and seen of you. To trust that are not gone. You are with me. 

I'm somewhere between trusting and not accepting. Fully trusting seems to mean also accepting your passing. I don't want to accept that because that makes it true. Unless I can fully trust that you can connect with me, without focusing on the heaviness of physical reality. 

In the moments that I sensed you or saw a sign, I felt comfort. I felt light. The heaviness dissipated.As soon as I doubted or questioned the experience, the heaviness returned. The heaviness is harder than crying. At least crying is processing. 

So I shall try to trust. I will try not to frantically seek signs for comfort. 

I will accept what I sense is you. 

I know your energy. 

I'm open to it. 

I'm open to you. 

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Stars

It occurred to me today that you gave me Biffy Clyro. I remember you playing Biffy in your car many years ago. I recall that I wasn't a fan of the screaming vocal bits. Of course it grew on me over time, as you said it would. They became one of my favourite bands. 

Thank you for all the musical education.  

To quote the mighty Simon Neil: 

I hope that you're folding stars. 

⭐⭐⭐

Daisy

Did I once say you looked like a daisy? I feel like maybe you had your white bucket hat pulled back so it framed your face like a daisy. I can't quite remember. Your memory was always so much better than mine. You'd know. You'd be able to describe the moment. I wish I could ask you. 

One of Samwise Gamgee's children was called Daisy. I didn't remember this. Google AI checked for me. I keep seeing daisy signs everywhere so found myself wondering if there was a correlation. I did remember that hobbits are fond of flower names. I certainly resonate with this vibe. Nature names are beautiful. 

I considered calling my daughter Elanor because of the LOTR link. I opted for a link with her middle name instead.  

I hope there are daisies where you are now. 

I hope it's ethereal.

I hope you are peaceful. 

Xxxx

The Grey Havens

Simon and I have now watched the trilogy. I had to guide him here and there. He hasn't read LOTR. He'd seen all three films years ago but he apparently felt they were too long. He seems to have changed his view and has expressed interest in the directors cuts, which of course are longer. I've just checked the run time. They collectively last for 11 hours and 22 minutes (feeling rather reminiscent of Bilbo's 111th birthday party and the magical angel number 1111).  

I cried buckets at the end of The Return of the King. Even though I know the end well. The end echoed the concept of the souls journey. So my tears were more for you than for Frodo , Gandalf and Bilbo. 

I've often wondered if The Grey Havens is a bit like heaven. 

I hope you are peaceful and happy. 

I hope you are somewhere just like this: 

🐦‍⬛💔💫

Bucket rave

Here you are in all your glory, raving at our villa in Portugal in approximately 2008 (give or take). I recall saying those buckets would break if you danced on them and they did. What a moment though. Wonderful memories. ❤️‍🩹

Today

Today is one month since your passing. This makes absolutely no sense. It seems like no time has passed somehow. 

I still don't really believe it. It still seems like something I might wake up from. 

I have dreams of my nana sometimes and she's still with us. In the dream one part of me knows the truth and the other thinks it was a mistake. She never actually died. It was just an error. Then I wake up. You and I were together when the news of her passing came in. Long ago now. We were sat in your car on the border between Switzerland and France. You closed the window to protect people outside the car from my howling cries. I think we went to the pub after that. I recall sitting on a high stool and losing my balance. You did your best to steady me. 

I've had many weird dreams since 28 August. I know you have been in some of them but I can't quite retain the memory upon waking. Is this my subconscious mind protecting my conscious one. Perhaps. 

Still I'd like to wake up from this reality, Dallas style and discover that it's just a mistake.

🐦‍⬛💔

Wish

On Saturday I looked through some pictures at my sister's house. Photographs of times I'd forgotten about. A party for my sister's 30th at our house. A party at Queens Street. People full of joy and free from grief. 

I wish I could go back. 

I wish I could hold the memory.

I wish I could see you as you were then. 

I wish I could see you. 

Xxx

The Fellowship of the Ring

I may never have read The Lord of the Rings if not for you. I was part way through the first book when we saw Peter Jackson's first film at the cinema. I was rushing to finish but it's not really a book designed for speed. 

Over the years we watched the trilogy, the directors cut, the making of. It's fair to say that we were pretty obsessed. We even saw Howard Shore conducting the soundtrack in London. We always talked of watching the extended trilogy back to back but I don't think we ever did. 

So today Simon and I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring. We do this in honour of you. 

I'm also re-wearing my engagement ring. On a different finger and on the other hand. It's a acknowledgement of what was. A continuous memorial. A circular reminder. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

For you

You used to call from Trops (aka Metro) in Leek and say come out Bean, it's brilliant. I've lost count of the times that you called or texted because you wanted me to be wherever you were. I seldom listened. I wish I had. Then we'd have many more memories. 

Do you remember the fridge in Spain that was covered in insects and held shut with caving rope? Do you remember going to the cafe at The Louvre? Do you remember taking me Ludschurch? And driving to see the little lambs in spring? And driving past all the garish Christmas lights. And standing together watching the Manics play Kevin Carter. And all those nights out in Leek. The timed pub crawls. The late night parties. The time we painted the wall in the dark wearing caving lights so that we could finish in time for my 30th. So many memories but I wish we'd had more. 

I always thought you'd meet Amber and Simon but you never did. I know we hadn't seen each other for many years but you were in my thoughts often. Simon and Amber know your name. They know your ways. They would have loved you. 

You would dance at the front of every rave. The harder the house, the happier you were. You didn't even wear your coat when you were raving. You used to wear it on stage. When you were raving you were free. Full of joy. Full of light. You're free now. Free of pain and struggle. In the arms of your mum Judith. 

I wish we had kept in touch. I hope you know that I wanted to. 

Rest easy Jase. 

I shall always miss you. 

🐦‍⬛🖤💔