Memories and connections

Simon and I visited Leek on Saturday. We stayed over on a stretch of road that to me is the centre of Leekness. I met up with three old friends on that same street. I'm grateful for their time and conversation. It was healing. It was also as though no time has passed. Even though we had not seen each for many years. 

We visited some of the famous-to-me Leek pubs. I sat on the chairs that Jase once sat on. Ordered drinks from the bars that Jase once lent on. 

On Sunday Si and I sat on a bench in The Wilkes Head. The bench was still patched up with gorilla tape. Probably the same tape from 15 years ago. Wilkes, despite and maybe in part because of it's spit and sawdust aesthetic, holds a special place in my heart. I could almost sense Jase there, pint of ale in hand. Or perhaps bass guitar in hand, as it was also the location of many Tetleys gigs. 

Si and I also walked down Chorley Street and saw Jases old old house. I noticed that there was a crow sat on the chimney. This felt significant and reminded me of the owl balloon. 

On Chorley Street many years ago, I was instructed by Jase to observe the pigeons as he released a secured owl balloon from the loft room window. The balloon's resemblance to an owl was merely large eyes drawn onto a silver balloon. To a pigeon, it seems, this was threatening enough for them to fly away. Jase didn't want pigeons on his roof. 

I remember that we laughed, as the pigeons flew. Jase laughing in the loft room and me on the street. We came together afterwards and laughed some more. I wish I could distill that laughter. I wish I could polaroid it all in sharp technicolour. I wish I could go back to all the moments that we shared. The camping holidays, Metropolis, house parties, timed pub crawls, pool matches, country walks, raves, gigs, festivals, caving. So many times. So many memories. 

Thank you for being part of my life Jase. 

Thank you for being you. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Jase

 I would not be me without you Jase. You pushed me to better. You pushed me to do more. Live more. You made me a better person. I didn't thank you then. I'm thanking you now. 

Thank you Jase. 

You are the best and the brilliant. 

💖💖💖

Expression

There are some people in my life that don't allow me to express my feelings. This hurts.

These people have their reasons. I understand that but letting the feelings out matters. It makes a difference to healing. 

I'm grateful to the people that have let me speak.  

I'm grateful to this very blog that I'm writing on right now. 

I'm grateful to my phone that holds 100s of my voice notes. 

I'm grateful for every yoga practice that has enabled me to release grief from my body. 

Every time I express myself I release what needs to release. 

Everytime I express myself I heal. 

🐦‍⬛⭐💖

Truth

Today I spoke with truth and clarity. I try to speak with kindness. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings. Often to the determent of my own. I was working on my boundaries before Jase passed away. I paused. Everything paused. Now I feel I can work on my boundaries and grieve. In fact the boundaries are emerging through the grief. 

I also gave someone a crystal today. It's one that I didn't need. They had a crystal and it broke. He told me this so I felt moved to give him one of mine. I have given crystals to people before. This time it felt different. More pure somehow. No expectations. Just truth. 

I am also taking this moment to say I love you Jase. I never stopped. I loved you when we were a couple. I loved you when we were friends. I love you now. 

This is my truth.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Trust

Today I spoke to someone kind and supportive. They reminded me to trust in signs I have sensed and seen of you. To trust that are not gone. You are with me. 

I'm somewhere between trusting and not accepting. Fully trusting seems to mean also accepting your passing. I don't want to accept that because that makes it true. Unless I can fully trust that you can connect with me, without focusing on the heaviness of physical reality. 

In the moments that I sensed you or saw a sign, I felt comfort. I felt light. The heaviness dissipated.As soon as I doubted or questioned the experience, the heaviness returned. The heaviness is harder than crying. At least crying is processing. 

So I shall try to trust. I will try not to frantically seek signs for comfort. 

I will accept what I sense is you. 

I know your energy. 

I'm open to it. 

I'm open to you. 

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Stars

It occurred to me today that you gave me Biffy Clyro. I remember you playing Biffy in your car many years ago. I recall that I wasn't a fan of the screaming vocal bits. Of course it grew on me over time, as you said it would. They became one of my favourite bands. 

Thank you for all the musical education.  

To quote the mighty Simon Neil: 

I hope that you're folding stars. 

⭐⭐⭐

Daisy

Did I once say you looked like a daisy? I feel like maybe you had your white bucket hat pulled back so it framed your face like a daisy. I can't quite remember. Your memory was always so much better than mine. You'd know. You'd be able to describe the moment. I wish I could ask you. 

One of Samwise Gamgee's children was called Daisy. I didn't remember this. Google AI checked for me. I keep seeing daisy signs everywhere so found myself wondering if there was a correlation. I did remember that hobbits are fond of flower names. I certainly resonate with this vibe. Nature names are beautiful. 

I considered calling my daughter Elanor because of the LOTR link. I opted for a link with her middle name instead.  

I hope there are daisies where you are now. 

I hope it's ethereal.

I hope you are peaceful. 

Xxxx

The Grey Havens

Simon and I have now watched the trilogy. I had to guide him here and there. He hasn't read LOTR. He'd seen all three films years ago but he apparently felt they were too long. He seems to have changed his view and has expressed interest in the directors cuts, which of course are longer. I've just checked the run time. They collectively last for 11 hours and 22 minutes (feeling rather reminiscent of Bilbo's 111th birthday party and the magical angel number 1111).  

I cried buckets at the end of The Return of the King. Even though I know the end well. The end echoed the concept of the souls journey. So my tears were more for you than for Frodo , Gandalf and Bilbo. 

I've often wondered if The Grey Havens is a bit like heaven. 

I hope you are peaceful and happy. 

I hope you are somewhere just like this: 

🐦‍⬛💔💫

Bucket rave

Here you are in all your glory, raving at our villa in Portugal in approximately 2008 (give or take). I recall saying those buckets would break if you danced on them and they did. What a moment though. Wonderful memories. ❤️‍🩹

Today

Today is one month since your passing. This makes absolutely no sense. It seems like no time has passed somehow. 

I still don't really believe it. It still seems like something I might wake up from. 

I have dreams of my nana sometimes and she's still with us. In the dream one part of me knows the truth and the other thinks it was a mistake. She never actually died. It was just an error. Then I wake up. You and I were together when the news of her passing came in. Long ago now. We were sat in your car on the border between Switzerland and France. You closed the window to protect people outside the car from my howling cries. I think we went to the pub after that. I recall sitting on a high stool and losing my balance. You did your best to steady me. 

I've had many weird dreams since 28 August. I know you have been in some of them but I can't quite retain the memory upon waking. Is this my subconscious mind protecting my conscious one. Perhaps. 

Still I'd like to wake up from this reality, Dallas style and discover that it's just a mistake.

🐦‍⬛💔

Wish

On Saturday I looked through some pictures at my sister's house. Photographs of times I'd forgotten about. A party for my sister's 30th at our house. A party at Queens Street. People full of joy and free from grief. 

I wish I could go back. 

I wish I could hold the memory.

I wish I could see you as you were then. 

I wish I could see you. 

Xxx

The Fellowship of the Ring

I may never have read The Lord of the Rings if not for you. I was part way through the first book when we saw Peter Jackson's first film at the cinema. I was rushing to finish but it's not really a book designed for speed. 

Over the years we watched the trilogy, the directors cut, the making of. It's fair to say that we were pretty obsessed. We even saw Howard Shore conducting the soundtrack in London. We always talked of watching the extended trilogy back to back but I don't think we ever did. 

So today Simon and I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring. We do this in honour of you. 

I'm also re-wearing my engagement ring. On a different finger and on the other hand. It's a acknowledgement of what was. A continuous memorial. A circular reminder. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

For you

You used to call from Trops (aka Metro) in Leek and say come out Bean, it's brilliant. I've lost count of the times that you called or texted because you wanted me to be wherever you were. I seldom listened. I wish I had. Then we'd have many more memories. 

Do you remember the fridge in Spain that was covered in insects and held shut with caving rope? Do you remember going to the cafe at The Louvre? Do you remember taking me Ludschurch? And driving to see the little lambs in spring? And driving past all the garish Christmas lights. And standing together watching the Manics play Kevin Carter. And all those nights out in Leek. The timed pub crawls. The late night parties. The time we painted the wall in the dark wearing caving lights so that we could finish in time for my 30th. So many memories but I wish we'd had more. 

I always thought you'd meet Amber and Simon but you never did. I know we hadn't seen each other for many years but you were in my thoughts often. Simon and Amber know your name. They know your ways. They would have loved you. 

You would dance at the front of every rave. The harder the house, the happier you were. You didn't even wear your coat when you were raving. You used to wear it on stage. When you were raving you were free. Full of joy. Full of light. You're free now. Free of pain and struggle. In the arms of your mum Judith. 

I wish we had kept in touch. I hope you know that I wanted to. 

Rest easy Jase. 

I shall always miss you. 

🐦‍⬛🖤💔

Silence

When the news of your passing came through, it rained for days. On this day, the day to mark your passing, any noise feels like an affront. I should not be able to hear dogs barking, the drone of the fan in the bathroom, the distant hum of the motorway, the creak of the house. There should only be silence now. 

🖤🐦‍⬛🪾🥀

Reading you

I read your old messages sometimes, as though I can find you there. As if your essence is in letters. I pause in the spaces in between words. I think about what you were doing when you wrote the message. What you did before and what you went on to do. I think about the day you might have had when the message came in. 

I'm looking for an answer to an unanswerable question. I'm looking for you. I know can't find you now. Not in a tangible form. 

I hope that I can sense you. I hope I remember things that time made me forget. I hope I see you in my dreams. 

🐦‍⬛💔

Moments of serenity

There have been moments of fleeting serenity at points in the last couple of days. I've felt transitory calm and tiny bits of peace. I'm grateful for these moments. I'm giving myself permission to notice these moments and allow them to last as long as they last. 

I found some rose quartz crystal, that I forgot I had. I now carry it around with me most of the time. Last night I had some very heavy moments. These heavy moments tend to come when the house is silent and there are no distractions. Ive found that it helps to clutch my rose quartz tightly and focus on it. This brings a sense of calm. I place my hand on my chest too. I do this wherever I am. I don't even care if I look a little bit crazy.  It helps and that's all that matters. It's quite literally the difference between me doing things or standing still. 

I will keep moving. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Emotionally multitasking

You have to do life, somehow, even when you are grieving. This will of course depend on the loss in question. However, in a very general sense - life stuff keeps happening. 

I'm a mother. This is beautiful, chaotic, intense and often bloody challenging. It is still all these things whilst I'm grieving. Moreso, obviously. Somehow, I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps or, as a gentle nod towards the awesome human that is no longer here, I have to reboot myself. I have to hope that I am sufficiently bug free to avoid some kind giant syntax error. In short, there are things that must be done. The life code I write doesn't have to be stunning but it does have to work. This is difficult in a every-moment-kind-of-way. 

Within all this, there is still this sense that I'm not allowed to grieve. That I simply cannot feel that much. I sense this sometimes in people's reactions. There's an impatience. A lack of understanding. Perhaps there is simply discomfort because each time you acknowledge someone's grief, you have to face your own mortality or consider the possibility that you'll grieve or that you've grieved and the pain is still too near. I get it. I understand. But some people feel big. Some people feel so big that everyday life can seem unsurmountable. Add real, tangible grief into the mix and, well, everything is just too darned heavy. 

People ask me,  how are you and I feel like screaming: I feel the same as before. It hurts. It all hurts. But I don't. I sometimes nod gently towards my feelings or I cover my feelings up to save theirs. I allow myself to be inauthentic. I talk about the weather or shopping or football or any number of utterly pointless topics for their sake. But what of mine? What of my real feelings? Not pretense. Not words to fill in gaps. Reality. I want to shout into the ether: why, why, why. "No one will tell me why". I know they can't but I do want to be allowed to grieve. I do want people to acknowledge that I'm going to wobble. I'm going to be emotionally clumsy. I'm going to cry. I'm allowed to because this is the truth. 

I am doing life stuff. I'm not doing it well but I am doing it. I'm also emotionally multitasking in every moment. I'm holding space for everyone's feelings. I'm feeling their feelings as my own. I'm also feeling my own feelings. This is what empaths do. I know it because I live it. I've always lived it. Pretending to be anything other than I am is just extra effort. Effort that I don't have capacity for. 

So I'll stand, sit and lie down in my truth. I will protect people's feelings where it's necessary but won't avoid their discomfort. There isn't enough of me to do so. 

Xxxx

Forever luminous

Your lovely mum described you once as a light under a bushel. You are a light but you have now emerged from your bushel. 

You will never fade. You are forever luminous. 

As synchronicity would have it, this was our song:

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

And they're young and alive

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight

Because I want to see people

And I want to see life

Driving in your car

Oh, please, don't drop me home

Because it's not my home, it's their home

And I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us

To die by your side

Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us

To die by your side

Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight

Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care

And in the darkened underpass

I thought, oh God, my chance has come at last

But then a strange fear gripped me

And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight

Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one, la-di-dum

Oh, I haven't got one

Oh, oh

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us

To die by your side

Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us

To die by your side

Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out...

Always forever

We'll always be together

However far it seems

(Love never ends)

We'll always be together

Together in electric dreams

Ravenhead

Your mind's made up maybe you won't go back on your word
It's that it's so unfair you're leaving me here in the lurch
You don't know how it feels to be left all alone
I tell you something for nothing baby
I tell you that it hurts

Nobody's ever happy any more
Nobody's ever happy any more

The beer takes me under to another world
Just live for the next drop you know, 'til my head hits the floor
What worse is that you don't seem to care
'Cause you're leaving me here dying
You're not there any more

Nobody's ever happy any more
Nobody's ever happy any more

The last little sip, the whisky runs down my throat
Do you remember the time you took me under your coat
What was it you said when the police carried me away?
You said the carnival had started but I'd left

Hey

Oh! Ravenhead
I take back all those things I said
I stare into an empty glass
I never thought it wouldn't last

Oh! Ravenhead
I take back all those things I said
Stare into an empty glass
I never thought it wouldn't last

The Tetleys 🐦‍⬛🖤💔

Not here

I didn't expect to feel as broken as I do at the news of your passing. I didn't expect your passing either. It was a shock. It remains a shock. I know there are stages of grief. At some point you accept it. But even as I know the process, I cannot even begin to correlate it with you. 

I feel destabilised. Like everything has been pulled apart. I know it's less than the heavy devastation that your family and close friends feel. I know I'm just part of your past and I didn't expect to be in your future. But I did expect you to have one. I thought you'd have grandchildren. I thought you'd play your bass until you had to walk on stage with a walking stick. I thought your life would be long and abundant and brilliant and I do think it was all those things but it was just nowhere near long enough.  

Come back Bean! Not to me but to your people. Your life. Your family. Your friends. All I want is to occasionally glance at what you're doing and feel happy to have been part of your past. I don't want this horrific not-here-ness. It doesn't make any sense. 

💔💔💔

Rejection of transience

As Anya, ex Vengeance Demon, newish human wisely once said in response to the passing of Buffy's mum: 

"I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

On some level that's how we all feel. We cannot comprehend how someone who was there, is now not in their body. It is  painful. All we know is aliveness. We do not know death. So when someone we love is no longer here, nothing makes sense. We feel newly human or like an alien or a Vengeance Demon. We cannot comprehend it. And we don't even want to. We just want to change it. 

Our connection to a person is tied to their soul. Of course it is. That's part of their aliveness. But it's their soul within their body. Every word they spoke. Each time they moved. The shared moments. The memories. The quirks. The everything that made them, them. So how can they be anything else, other than a beautiful solid form. How can they be gone. Or even transmuted into a soul outside a body. It is simply impossible to comprehend. 

I'm with Anya. I feel just as she did. I feel lost and confused and angry at the transient nature of the human experience. 

I know that cannot change reality but I wish that I could. 

Part of me

You are part of me. 

It never faded. 

It did not age. 

It did not stop. 

It folded.

Sometimes opening. 

Sometimes resting. 

But never gone. 

You are part of me. 

Always. 

Remembering

I carry you with me. I always did. You have always been the person I spoke of the most, when talking about my past life. Always with fondness. Always with care. You were my friend. For a time you were more. But sat against the backdrop of friendship. 

I hadn't seen you or spoken to you for many years. I would have done but I understood why you could not. 

I didn't know you were ill. I wish I had somehow gleaned it but I didn't. And now you are not here. I hope you are somehow everywhere. 

I hope I did discern your presence behind me, comforting hand on my shoulder, as I say on the sofa and cried. I stopped crying and looked up. I felt briefly comforted. Was that you?  It felt like the hand that used to gently push me out of shops, when I was getting carried away with purchases. It felt warm. It felt peaceful. It felt like you. 

I hope I will see you in my dreams soon. I hope you are safe in another realm. I hope you are peaceful. 

I miss you. Even though I hadn't seen you for years. I still miss you. 

I wonder if I'll always miss you. 

Xxxxxx