Not here

I didn't expect to feel as broken as I do at the news of your passing. I didn't expect your passing either. It was a shock. It remains a shock. I know there are stages of grief. At some point you accept it. But even as I know the process, I cannot even begin to correlate it with you. 

I feel destabilised. Like everything has been pulled apart. I know it's less than the heavy devastation that your family and close friends feel. I know I'm just part of your past and I didn't expect to be in your future. But I did expect you to have one. I thought you'd have grandchildren. I thought you'd play your bass until you had to walk on stage with a walking stick. I thought your life would be long and abundant and brilliant and I do think it was all those things but it was just nowhere near long enough.  

Come back Bean! Not to me but to your people. Your life. Your family. Your friends. All I want is to occasionally glance at what you're doing and feel happy to have been part of your past. I don't want this horrific not-here-ness. It doesn't make any sense. 

💔💔💔