Gunpowder

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

When I think of Bonfire Night, I don't tend to focus on the history. I can't remember the last time I saw a guy on top of a bonfire. I can remember kids gathering money for poorly constructed guys, though. I think the last time I recall seeing that was when I lived in Bolton. I remember feeling obligated to part with a few quid. There was no mention of a penny either. Though, to be fair, a penny stretched a lot further in the time of Guy Fawkes and his crew.

I've only recently realised that the target of the Gunpowder Plot was the same King James who became associated with the witch trials in England and Scotland. I don't know whether he was single-handedly responsible, but I do know that he published a book about demons, first in Scotland and later in England. He was apparently rather obsessed with witches, but in a grim way. He wanted them tortured and dead.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that, if I'd been alive during his reign, I'd have been tried as a witch and quite possibly tortured. The reasons are as follows:

1. I'm a practising witch (although, obviously, I'd have kept this firmly under the radar had I been around back then).

2. I have a birthmark, and it's pretty impossible to hide.

3. I wouldn't have wanted to watch public executions, even though the status quo would have expected it.

4. I'm a HSP.

5. I don't fit the mould.

I would never support the blowing up of Parliament, or indeed anywhere else for that matter. Yet a part of me finds myself sympathising more with Guy than with those in power. I have empathy for those who question the status quo. I have empathy for those who watch the watchmen. I have even more empathy for those who are persecuted.

This year, I'll be metaphorically placing hatred in all its forms on top of the November bonfire. As I watch the fireworks fill the sky, each explosion will be an acknowledgement of every person who didn't / doesn't fit the mould and suffers as a result.

Xxx

Crush

I have two things to share. One is utterly frivolous and makes me feel much younger than I am. Can you have celebrity crushes at 51? It must be possible because I think the only reason I watch Nobody wants this on Netflix is because Adam Brody is in it. He is unfeasibly attractive. 

In much less frivolous news. When I wrote the word crush, I immediately thought of the song Crush by Jennifer Paige. The song was once significant to Jase and I. It still moves me when I hear it. I smile when I think of the crush I once had on Jase. That smile is of course followed by sadness. 

Thinking of you Jase with smiles of happy sad. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Samhain

It's the 31st October. This feels especially poignant this year, given the very recent passing of Jase. 🐦‍⬛🖤 

In years gone by, I've always gently nodded to lost loved ones and ancestors but without as much intention as I now offer. I'm moving deeper into spiritual practices. I'm stepping deeper into myself. Jase is the catalyst of this transformation. He always pushed me to be more, do more. I'm endlessly grateful to him for this. 

This Samhain I'm sending healing to everyone I know and everyone I have known, both those those here on Earth and those that have passed over. I am also, of course, sending healing to everyone in my ancestral bloodline. 

I'm using a candle surrounded by 4 crystals. A rose quartz heart, an obsidian moon, some smoky quartz and some amethyst. 

In love and light. 

Blessed be. 

🌖🌕🌔

Today

I'm staring into the kitchen and wondering what you would have looked like in that space. You've never visited this house. Nor the 6 houses I lived in before this one (I've moved a lot). I haven't seen you in a house since you stood in our house many years ago. I don't know what you would have looked like sat on my sofa or ringing my doorbell. I could not have invited you. You would not have come. 

The last conversation we had was me congratulating you on your marriage. I've read our exchange so many times. As if I'm expecting to see something new there. Some sentiment I previously missed. There is nothing. Your message wasn't cold. It wasn't warm. But it was a response. You could have said nothing at all. So I know that you taking time to reply meant something. That I meant something once. 

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life but I had always thought that we would remain friends. Perhaps this was naive of me. Sadly, we did not remain friends. Not actively. Not even even via the occasional like of a Facebook post. Yet you remained important to me. I often spoke of you with fondness. I expected to watch you play your bass again at some point. I never did. 

What is the purpose of this musing? I think it's to remind myself and everyone to act. Never assume there is time because there isn't. We think I'll come next time. I'll see that person tomorrow. Even though we know that tomorrow can be taken from any of us, at any moment. 

Be in the moments. See the people. Talk to them. Listen to their words. Even if you aren't interested in what they're saying. If they matter to you. Drink them in. 

As Simon Neil sang "tomorrow is a promise to no one". Right now isn't promised, it's happening. That's literally all there is.

🐦‍⬛🖤💚

Meditation

Last week I did a guided meditation, guided by a trusted family friend and therapist. Without going into the details of what I experienced, it gave me great comfort and a sense of release. So much so, that I actually felt quite bouyant afterwards. A small part of me wondered if it was ok to feel ok. Even though most of me knows that it absolutely is. 

A thought for anyone experiencing grief at any stage in that journey. Allow yourself to feel. Happiness can coexist with sadness. It's ok. You are allowed to feel it all. Feelings of guilt may come up. Especially when you feel even a fleeting moment of happiness. Allow the guilt to float away. It doesn't serve you. Laugh if you can, when you can. Cry when you need to. 

Sending love and light to all. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Xxxx

Music

I managed to listen to 5 seconds of There is a light that never goes out by The Smiths. 5 seconds before tears and sheer panic. One day I'll hear it all the way through and think of you with smiles. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Memories and connections

Simon and I visited Leek on Saturday. We stayed over on a stretch of road that to me is the centre of Leekness. I met up with three old friends on that same street. I'm grateful for their time and conversation. It was healing. It was also as though no time has passed. Even though we had not seen each for many years. 

We visited some of the famous-to-me Leek pubs. I sat on the chairs that Jase once sat on. Ordered drinks from the bars that Jase once lent on. 

On Sunday Si and I sat on a bench in The Wilkes Head. The bench was still patched up with gorilla tape. Probably the same tape from 15 years ago. Wilkes, despite and maybe in part because of it's spit and sawdust aesthetic, holds a special place in my heart. I could almost sense Jase there, pint of ale in hand. Or perhaps bass guitar in hand, as it was also the location of many Tetleys gigs. 

Si and I also walked down Chorley Street and saw Jases old old house. I noticed that there was a crow sat on the chimney. This felt significant and reminded me of the owl balloon. 

On Chorley Street many years ago, I was instructed by Jase to observe the pigeons as he released a secured owl balloon from the loft room window. The balloon's resemblance to an owl was merely large eyes drawn onto a silver balloon. To a pigeon, it seems, this was threatening enough for them to fly away. Jase didn't want pigeons on his roof. 

I remember that we laughed, as the pigeons flew. Jase laughing in the loft room and me on the street. We came together afterwards and laughed some more. I wish I could distill that laughter. I wish I could polaroid it all in sharp technicolour. I wish I could go back to all the moments that we shared. The camping holidays, Metropolis, house parties, timed pub crawls, pool matches, country walks, raves, gigs, festivals, caving. So many times. So many memories. 

Thank you for being part of my life Jase. 

Thank you for being you. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹