Jase

 I would not be me without you Jase. You pushed me to better. You pushed me to do more. Live more. You made me a better person. I didn't thank you then. I'm thanking you now. 

Thank you Jase. 

You are the best and the brilliant. 

💖💖💖

Expression

There are some people in my life that don't allow me to express my feelings. This hurts.

These people have their reasons. I understand that but letting the feelings out matters. It makes a difference to healing. 

I'm grateful to the people that have let me speak.  

I'm grateful to this very blog that I'm writing on right now. 

I'm grateful to my phone that holds 100s of my voice notes. 

I'm grateful for every yoga practice that has enabled me to release grief from my body. 

Every time I express myself I release what needs to release. 

Everytime I express myself I heal. 

🐦‍⬛⭐💖

Truth

Today I spoke with truth and clarity. I try to speak with kindness. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings. Often to the determent of my own. I was working on my boundaries before Jase passed away. I paused. Everything paused. Now I feel I can work on my boundaries and grieve. In fact the boundaries are emerging through the grief. 

I also gave someone a crystal today. It's one that I didn't need. They had a crystal and it broke. He told me this so I felt moved to give him one of mine. I have given crystals to people before. This time it felt different. More pure somehow. No expectations. Just truth. 

I am also taking this moment to say I love you Jase. I never stopped. I loved you when we were a couple. I loved you when we were friends. I love you now. 

This is my truth.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Trust

Today I spoke to someone kind and supportive. They reminded me to trust in signs I have sensed and seen of you. To trust that are not gone. You are with me. 

I'm somewhere between trusting and not accepting. Fully trusting seems to mean also accepting your passing. I don't want to accept that because that makes it true. Unless I can fully trust that you can connect with me, without focusing on the heaviness of physical reality. 

In the moments that I sensed you or saw a sign, I felt comfort. I felt light. The heaviness dissipated.As soon as I doubted or questioned the experience, the heaviness returned. The heaviness is harder than crying. At least crying is processing. 

So I shall try to trust. I will try not to frantically seek signs for comfort. 

I will accept what I sense is you. 

I know your energy. 

I'm open to it. 

I'm open to you. 

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Stars

It occurred to me today that you gave me Biffy Clyro. I remember you playing Biffy in your car many years ago. I recall that I wasn't a fan of the screaming vocal bits. Of course it grew on me over time, as you said it would. They became one of my favourite bands. 

Thank you for all the musical education.  

To quote the mighty Simon Neil: 

I hope that you're folding stars. 

⭐⭐⭐

Daisy

Did I once say you looked like a daisy? I feel like maybe you had your white bucket hat pulled back so it framed your face like a daisy. I can't quite remember. Your memory was always so much better than mine. You'd know. You'd be able to describe the moment. I wish I could ask you. 

One of Samwise Gamgee's children was called Daisy. I didn't remember this. Google AI checked for me. I keep seeing daisy signs everywhere so found myself wondering if there was a correlation. I did remember that hobbits are fond of flower names. I certainly resonate with this vibe. Nature names are beautiful. 

I considered calling my daughter Elanor because of the LOTR link. I opted for a link with her middle name instead.  

I hope there are daisies where you are now. 

I hope it's ethereal.

I hope you are peaceful. 

Xxxx

The Grey Havens

Simon and I have now watched the trilogy. I had to guide him here and there. He hasn't read LOTR. He'd seen all three films years ago but he apparently felt they were too long. He seems to have changed his view and has expressed interest in the directors cuts, which of course are longer. I've just checked the run time. They collectively last for 11 hours and 22 minutes (feeling rather reminiscent of Bilbo's 111th birthday party and the magical angel number 1111).  

I cried buckets at the end of The Return of the King. Even though I know the end well. The end echoed the concept of the souls journey. So my tears were more for you than for Frodo , Gandalf and Bilbo. 

I've often wondered if The Grey Havens is a bit like heaven. 

I hope you are peaceful and happy. 

I hope you are somewhere just like this: 

🐦‍⬛💔💫