Today

Today is one month since your passing. This makes absolutely no sense. It seems like no time has passed somehow. 

I still don't really believe it. It still seems like something I might wake up from. 

I have dreams of my nana sometimes and she's still with us. In the dream one part of me knows the truth and the other thinks it was a mistake. She never actually died. It was just an error. Then I wake up. You and I were together when the news of her passing came in. Long ago now. We were sat in your car on the border between Switzerland and France. You closed the window to protect people outside the car from my howling cries. I think we went to the pub after that. I recall sitting on a high stool and losing my balance. You did your best to steady me. 

I've had many weird dreams since 28 August. I know you have been in some of them but I can't quite retain the memory upon waking. Is this my subconscious mind protecting my conscious one. Perhaps. 

Still I'd like to wake up from this reality, Dallas style and discover that it's just a mistake.

🐦‍⬛💔

Wish

On Saturday I looked through some pictures at my sister's house. Photographs of times I'd forgotten about. A party for my sister's 30th at our house. A party at Queens Street. People full of joy and free of grief. 

I wish I could go back. 

I wish I could hold the memory.

I wish I could see you as you were then. 

I wish I could see you. 

Xxx

The Fellowship of the Ring

I may never have read The Lord of the Rings if not for you. I was part way through the first book when we saw Peter Jackson's first film at the cinema. I was rushing to finish but it's not really a book designed for speed. 

Over the years we watched the trilogy, the directors cut, the making of. It's fair to say that we were pretty obsessed. We even saw Howard Shore conducting the soundtrack in London. We always talked of watching the extended trilogy back to back but I don't think we ever did. 

So today Simon and I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring. We do this in honour of you. 

I'm also re-wearing my engagement ring. On a different finger and on the other hand. It's a acknowledgement of what was. A continuous memorial. A circular reminder. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

For you

You used to call from Trops (aka Metro) in Leek and say come out Bean, it's brilliant. I've lost count of the times that you called or texted because you wanted me to be wherever you were. I seldom listened. I wish I had. Then we'd have many more memories. 

Do you remember the fridge in Spain that was covered in insects and held shut with caving rope? Do you remember going to the cafe at The Louvre? Do you remember taking me Ludschurch? And driving to see the little lambs in spring? And driving past all the garish Christmas lights. And standing together watching the Manics play Kevin Carter. And all those nights out in Leek. The timed pub crawls. The late night parties. The time we painted the wall in the dark wearing caving lights so that we could finish in time for my 30th. So many memories but I wish we'd had more. 

I always thought you'd meet Amber and Simon but you never did. I know we hadn't seen each other for many years but you were in my thoughts often. Simon and Amber know your name. They know your ways. They would have loved you. 

You would dance at the front of every rave. The harder the house, the happier you were. You didn't even wear your coat when you were raving. You used to wear it on stage. When you were raving you were free. Full of joy. Full of light. You're free now. Free of pain and struggle. In the arms of your mum Judith. 

I wish we had kept in touch. I hope you know that I wanted to. 

Rest easy Jase. 

I shall always miss you. 

🐦‍⬛🖤💔

Silence

When the news of your passing came through, it rained for days. On this day, the day to mark your passing, any noise feels like an affront. I should not be able to hear dogs barking, the drone of the fan in the bathroom, the distant hum of the motorway, the creak of the house. There should only be silence now. 

🖤🐦‍⬛🪾🥀

Reading you

I read your old messages sometimes, as though I can find you there. As if your essence is in letters. I pause in the spaces in between words. I think about what you were doing when you wrote the message. What you did before and what you went on to do. I think about the day you might have had when the message came in. 

I'm looking for an answer to an unanswerable question. I'm looking for you. I know can't find you now. Not in a tangible form. 

I hope that I can sense you. I hope I remember things that time made me forget. I hope I see you in my dreams. 

🐦‍⬛💔

Moments of serenity

There have been moments of fleeting serenity at points in the last couple of days. I've felt transitory calm and tiny bits of peace. I'm grateful for these moments. I'm giving myself permission to notice these moments and allow them to last as long as they last. 

I found some rose quartz crystal, that I forgot I had. I now carry it around with me most of the time. Last night I had some very heavy moments. These heavy moments tend to come when the house is silent and there are no distractions. Ive found that it helps to clutch my rose quartz tightly and focus on it. This brings a sense of calm. I place my hand on my chest too. I do this wherever I am. I don't even care if I look a little bit crazy.  It helps and that's all that matters. It's quite literally the difference between me doing things or standing still. 

I will keep moving. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹