Memories and connections

Simon and I visited Leek on Saturday. We stayed over on a stretch of road that to me is the centre of Leekness. I met up with three old friends on that same street. I'm grateful for their time and conversation. It was healing. It was also as though no time has passed. Even though we had not seen each for many years. 

We visited some of the famous-to-me Leek pubs. I sat on the chairs that Jase once sat on. Ordered drinks from the bars that Jase once lent on. 

On Sunday Si and I sat on a bench in The Wilkes Head. The bench was still patched up with gorilla tape. Probably the same tape from 15 years ago. Wilkes, despite and maybe in part because of it's spit and sawdust aesthetic, holds a special place in my heart. I could almost sense Jase there, pint of ale in hand. Or perhaps bass guitar in hand, as it was also the location of many Tetleys gigs. 

Si and I also walked down Chorley Street and saw Jases old old house. I noticed that there was a crow sat on the chimney. This felt significant and reminded me of the owl balloon. 

On Chorley Street many years ago, I was instructed by Jase to observe the pigeons as he released a secured owl balloon from the loft room window. The balloon's resemblance to an owl was merely large eyes drawn onto a silver balloon. To a pigeon, it seems, this was threatening enough for them to fly away. Jase didn't want pigeons on his roof. 

I remember that we laughed, as the pigeons flew. Jase laughing in the loft room and me on the street. We came together afterwards and laughed some more. I wish I could distill that laughter. I wish I could polaroid it all in sharp technicolour. I wish I could go back to all the moments that we shared. The camping holidays, Metropolis, house parties, timed pub crawls, pool matches, country walks, raves, gigs, festivals, caving. So many times. So many memories. 

Thank you for being part of my life Jase. 

Thank you for being you. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Jase

 I would not be me without you Jase. You pushed me to better. You pushed me to do more. Live more. You made me a better person. I didn't thank you then. I'm thanking you now. 

Thank you Jase. 

You are the best and the brilliant. 

💖💖💖

Expression

There are some people in my life that don't allow me to express my feelings. This hurts.

These people have their reasons. I understand that but letting the feelings out matters. It makes a difference to healing. 

I'm grateful to the people that have let me speak.  

I'm grateful to this very blog that I'm writing on right now. 

I'm grateful to my phone that holds 100s of my voice notes. 

I'm grateful for every yoga practice that has enabled me to release grief from my body. 

Every time I express myself I release what needs to release. 

Everytime I express myself I heal. 

🐦‍⬛⭐💖

Truth

Today I spoke with truth and clarity. I try to speak with kindness. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings. Often to the determent of my own. I was working on my boundaries before Jase passed away. I paused. Everything paused. Now I feel I can work on my boundaries and grieve. In fact the boundaries are emerging through the grief. 

I also gave someone a crystal today. It's one that I didn't need. They had a crystal and it broke. He told me this so I felt moved to give him one of mine. I have given crystals to people before. This time it felt different. More pure somehow. No expectations. Just truth. 

I am also taking this moment to say I love you Jase. I never stopped. I loved you when we were a couple. I loved you when we were friends. I love you now. 

This is my truth.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Trust

Today I spoke to someone kind and supportive. They reminded me to trust in signs I have sensed and seen of you. To trust that are not gone. You are with me. 

I'm somewhere between trusting and not accepting. Fully trusting seems to mean also accepting your passing. I don't want to accept that because that makes it true. Unless I can fully trust that you can connect with me, without focusing on the heaviness of physical reality. 

In the moments that I sensed you or saw a sign, I felt comfort. I felt light. The heaviness dissipated.As soon as I doubted or questioned the experience, the heaviness returned. The heaviness is harder than crying. At least crying is processing. 

So I shall try to trust. I will try not to frantically seek signs for comfort. 

I will accept what I sense is you. 

I know your energy. 

I'm open to it. 

I'm open to you. 

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Stars

It occurred to me today that you gave me Biffy Clyro. I remember you playing Biffy in your car many years ago. I recall that I wasn't a fan of the screaming vocal bits. Of course it grew on me over time, as you said it would. They became one of my favourite bands. 

Thank you for all the musical education.  

To quote the mighty Simon Neil: 

I hope that you're folding stars. 

⭐⭐⭐

Daisy

Did I once say you looked like a daisy? I feel like maybe you had your white bucket hat pulled back so it framed your face like a daisy. I can't quite remember. Your memory was always so much better than mine. You'd know. You'd be able to describe the moment. I wish I could ask you. 

One of Samwise Gamgee's children was called Daisy. I didn't remember this. Google AI checked for me. I keep seeing daisy signs everywhere so found myself wondering if there was a correlation. I did remember that hobbits are fond of flower names. I certainly resonate with this vibe. Nature names are beautiful. 

I considered calling my daughter Elanor because of the LOTR link. I opted for a link with her middle name instead.  

I hope there are daisies where you are now. 

I hope it's ethereal.

I hope you are peaceful. 

Xxxx