Today

I'm staring into the kitchen and wondering what you would have looked like in that space. You've never visited this house. Nor the 6 houses I lived in before this one (I've moved a lot). I haven't seen you in a house since you stood in our house many years ago. I don't know what you would have looked like sat on my sofa or ringing my doorbell. I could not have invited you. You would not have come. 

The last conversation we had was me congratulating you on your marriage. I've read our exchange so many times. As if I'm expecting to see something new there. Some sentiment I previously missed. There is nothing. Your message wasn't cold. It wasn't warm. But it was a response. You could have said nothing at all. So I know that you taking time to reply meant something. That I meant something once. 

Not everyone is meant to stay in your life but I had always thought that we would remain friends. Perhaps this was naive of me. Sadly, we did not remain friends. Not actively. Not even even via the occasional like of a Facebook post. Yet you remained important to me. I often spoke of you with fondness. I expected to watch you play your bass again at some point. I never did. 

What is the purpose of this musing? I think it's to remind myself and everyone to act. Never assume there is time because there isn't. We think I'll come next time. I'll see that person tomorrow. Even though we know that tomorrow can be taken from any of us, at any moment. 

Be in the moments. See the people. Talk to them. Listen to their words. Even if you aren't interested in what they're saying. If they matter to you. Drink them in. 

As Simon Neil sang "tomorrow is a promise to no one". Right now isn't promised, it's happening. That's literally all there is.

🐦‍⬛🖤💚

Meditation

Last week I did a guided meditation, guided by a trusted family friend and therapist. Without going into the details of what I experienced, it gave me great comfort and a sense of release. So much so, that I actually felt quite bouyant afterwards. A small part of me wondered if it was ok to feel ok. Even though most of me knows that it absolutely is. 

A thought for anyone experiencing grief at any stage in that journey. Allow yourself to feel. Happiness can coexist with sadness. It's ok. You are allowed to feel it all. Feelings of guilt may come up. Especially when you feel even a fleeting moment of happiness. Allow the guilt to float away. It doesn't serve you. Laugh if you can, when you can. Cry when you need to. 

Sending love and light to all. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Xxxx

Music

I managed to listen to 5 seconds of There is a light that never goes out by The Smiths. 5 seconds before tears and sheer panic. One day I'll hear it all the way through and think of you with smiles. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Memories and connections

Simon and I visited Leek on Saturday. We stayed over on a stretch of road that to me is the centre of Leekness. I met up with three old friends on that same street. I'm grateful for their time and conversation. It was healing. It was also as though no time has passed. Even though we had not seen each for many years. 

We visited some of the famous-to-me Leek pubs. I sat on the chairs that Jase once sat on. Ordered drinks from the bars that Jase once lent on. 

On Sunday Si and I sat on a bench in The Wilkes Head. The bench was still patched up with gorilla tape. Probably the same tape from 15 years ago. Wilkes, despite and maybe in part because of it's spit and sawdust aesthetic, holds a special place in my heart. I could almost sense Jase there, pint of ale in hand. Or perhaps bass guitar in hand, as it was also the location of many Tetleys gigs. 

Si and I also walked down Chorley Street and saw Jases old old house. I noticed that there was a crow sat on the chimney. This felt significant and reminded me of the owl balloon. 

On Chorley Street many years ago, I was instructed by Jase to observe the pigeons as he released a secured owl balloon from the loft room window. The balloon's resemblance to an owl was merely large eyes drawn onto a silver balloon. To a pigeon, it seems, this was threatening enough for them to fly away. Jase didn't want pigeons on his roof. 

I remember that we laughed, as the pigeons flew. Jase laughing in the loft room and me on the street. We came together afterwards and laughed some more. I wish I could distill that laughter. I wish I could polaroid it all in sharp technicolour. I wish I could go back to all the moments that we shared. The camping holidays, Metropolis, house parties, timed pub crawls, pool matches, country walks, raves, gigs, festivals, caving. So many times. So many memories. 

Thank you for being part of my life Jase. 

Thank you for being you. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Jase

 I would not be me without you Jase. You pushed me to better. You pushed me to do more. Live more. You made me a better person. I didn't thank you then. I'm thanking you now. 

Thank you Jase. 

You are the best and the brilliant. 

💖💖💖

Expression

There are some people in my life that don't allow me to express my feelings. This hurts.

These people have their reasons. I understand that but letting the feelings out matters. It makes a difference to healing. 

I'm grateful to the people that have let me speak.  

I'm grateful to this very blog that I'm writing on right now. 

I'm grateful to my phone that holds 100s of my voice notes. 

I'm grateful for every yoga practice that has enabled me to release grief from my body. 

Every time I express myself I release what needs to release. 

Everytime I express myself I heal. 

🐦‍⬛⭐💖

Truth

Today I spoke with truth and clarity. I try to speak with kindness. I try to be mindful of other people's feelings. Often to the determent of my own. I was working on my boundaries before Jase passed away. I paused. Everything paused. Now I feel I can work on my boundaries and grieve. In fact the boundaries are emerging through the grief. 

I also gave someone a crystal today. It's one that I didn't need. They had a crystal and it broke. He told me this so I felt moved to give him one of mine. I have given crystals to people before. This time it felt different. More pure somehow. No expectations. Just truth. 

I am also taking this moment to say I love you Jase. I never stopped. I loved you when we were a couple. I loved you when we were friends. I love you now. 

This is my truth.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹