The Fellowship of the Ring

I may never have read The Lord of the Rings if not for you. I was part way through the first book when we saw Peter Jackson's first film at the cinema. I was rushing to finish but it's not really a book designed for speed. 

Over the years we watched the trilogy, the directors cut, the making of. It's fair to say that we were pretty obsessed. We even saw Howard Shore conducting the soundtrack in London. We always talked of watching the extended trilogy back to back but I don't think we ever did. 

So today Simon and I started watching The Fellowship of the Ring. We do this in honour of you. 

I'm also re-wearing my engagement ring. On a different finger and on the other hand. It's a acknowledgement of what was. A continuous memorial. A circular reminder. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

For you

You used to call from Trops (aka Metro) in Leek and say come out Bean, it's brilliant. I've lost count of the times that you called or texted because you wanted me to be wherever you were. I seldom listened. I wish I had. Then we'd have many more memories. 

Do you remember the fridge in Spain that was covered in insects and held shut with caving rope? Do you remember going to the cafe at The Louvre? Do you remember taking me Ludschurch? And driving to see the little lambs in spring? And driving past all the garish Christmas lights. And standing together watching the Manics play Kevin Carter. And all those nights out in Leek. The timed pub crawls. The late night parties. The time we painted the wall in the dark wearing caving lights so that we could finish in time for my 30th. So many memories but I wish we'd had more. 

I always thought you'd meet Amber and Simon but you never did. I know we hadn't seen each other for many years but you were in my thoughts often. Simon and Amber know your name. They know your ways. They would have loved you. 

You would dance at the front of every rave. The harder the house, the happier you were. You didn't even wear your coat when you were raving. You used to wear it on stage. When you were raving you were free. Full of joy. Full of light. You're free now. Free of pain and struggle. In the arms of your mum Judith. 

I wish we had kept in touch. I hope you know that I wanted to. 

Rest easy Jase. 

I shall always miss you. 

🐦‍⬛🖤💔

Silence

When the news of your passing came through, it rained for days. On this day, the day to mark your passing, any noise feels like an affront. I should not be able to hear dogs barking, the drone of the fan in the bathroom, the distant hum of the motorway, the creak of the house. There should only be silence now. 

🖤🐦‍⬛🪾🥀

Reading you

I read your old messages sometimes, as though I can find you there. As if your essence is in letters. I pause in the spaces in between words. I think about what you were doing when you wrote the message. What you did before and what you went on to do. I think about the day you might have had when the message came in. 

I'm looking for an answer to an unanswerable question. I'm looking for you. I know can't find you now. Not in a tangible form. 

I hope that I can sense you. I hope I remember things that time made me forget. I hope I see you in my dreams. 

🐦‍⬛💔

Moments of serenity

There have been moments of fleeting serenity at points in the last couple of days. I've felt transitory calm and tiny bits of peace. I'm grateful for these moments. I'm giving myself permission to notice these moments and allow them to last as long as they last. 

I found some rose quartz crystal, that I forgot I had. I now carry it around with me most of the time. Last night I had some very heavy moments. These heavy moments tend to come when the house is silent and there are no distractions. Ive found that it helps to clutch my rose quartz tightly and focus on it. This brings a sense of calm. I place my hand on my chest too. I do this wherever I am. I don't even care if I look a little bit crazy.  It helps and that's all that matters. It's quite literally the difference between me doing things or standing still. 

I will keep moving. 

🐦‍⬛❤️‍🩹

Emotionally multitasking

You have to do life, somehow, even when you are grieving. This will of course depend on the loss in question. However, in a very general sense - life stuff keeps happening. 

I'm a mother. This is beautiful, chaotic, intense and often bloody challenging. It is still all these things whilst I'm grieving. Moreso, obviously. Somehow, I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps or, as a gentle nod towards the awesome human that is no longer here, I have to reboot myself. I have to hope that I am sufficiently bug free to avoid some kind giant syntax error. In short, there are things that must be done. The life code I write doesn't have to be stunning but it does have to work. This is difficult in a every-moment-kind-of-way. 

Within all this, there is still this sense that I'm not allowed to grieve. That I simply cannot feel that much. I sense this sometimes in people's reactions. There's an impatience. A lack of understanding. Perhaps there is simply discomfort because each time you acknowledge someone's grief, you have to face your own mortality or consider the possibility that you'll grieve or that you've grieved and the pain is still too near. I get it. I understand. But some people feel big. Some people feel so big that everyday life can seem unsurmountable. Add real, tangible grief into the mix and, well, everything is just too darned heavy. 

People ask me,  how are you and I feel like screaming: I feel the same as before. It hurts. It all hurts. But I don't. I sometimes nod gently towards my feelings or I cover my feelings up to save theirs. I allow myself to be inauthentic. I talk about the weather or shopping or football or any number of utterly pointless topics for their sake. But what of mine? What of my real feelings? Not pretense. Not words to fill in gaps. Reality. I want to shout into the ether: why, why, why. "No one will tell me why". I know they can't but I do want to be allowed to grieve. I do want people to acknowledge that I'm going to wobble. I'm going to be emotionally clumsy. I'm going to cry. I'm allowed to because this is the truth. 

I am doing life stuff. I'm not doing it well but I am doing it. I'm also emotionally multitasking in every moment. I'm holding space for everyone's feelings. I'm feeling their feelings as my own. I'm also feeling my own feelings. This is what empaths do. I know it because I live it. I've always lived it. Pretending to be anything other than I am is just extra effort. Effort that I don't have capacity for. 

So I'll stand, sit and lie down in my truth. I will protect people's feelings where it's necessary but won't avoid their discomfort. There isn't enough of me to do so. 

Xxxx

Forever luminous

Your lovely mum described you once as a light under a bushel. You are a light but you have now emerged from your bushel. 

You will never fade. You are forever luminous. 

As synchronicity would have it, this was our song:

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

And they're young and alive

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one anymore

Take me out tonight

Because I want to see people

And I want to see life

Driving in your car

Oh, please, don't drop me home

Because it's not my home, it's their home

And I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us

To die by your side

Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us

To die by your side

Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight

Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care

And in the darkened underpass

I thought, oh God, my chance has come at last

But then a strange fear gripped me

And I just couldn't ask

Take me out tonight

Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one, la-di-dum

Oh, I haven't got one

Oh, oh

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us

To die by your side

Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us

To die by your side

Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out

There is a light and it never goes out...

Always forever

We'll always be together

However far it seems

(Love never ends)

We'll always be together

Together in electric dreams

Ravenhead

Your mind's made up maybe you won't go back on your word
It's that it's so unfair you're leaving me here in the lurch
You don't know how it feels to be left all alone
I tell you something for nothing baby
I tell you that it hurts

Nobody's ever happy any more
Nobody's ever happy any more

The beer takes me under to another world
Just live for the next drop you know, 'til my head hits the floor
What worse is that you don't seem to care
'Cause you're leaving me here dying
You're not there any more

Nobody's ever happy any more
Nobody's ever happy any more

The last little sip, the whisky runs down my throat
Do you remember the time you took me under your coat
What was it you said when the police carried me away?
You said the carnival had started but I'd left

Hey

Oh! Ravenhead
I take back all those things I said
I stare into an empty glass
I never thought it wouldn't last

Oh! Ravenhead
I take back all those things I said
Stare into an empty glass
I never thought it wouldn't last

The Tetleys 🐦‍⬛🖤💔

Not here

I didn't expect to feel as broken as I do at the news of your passing. I didn't expect your passing either. It was a shock. It remains a shock. I know there are stages of grief. At some point you accept it. But even as I know the process, I cannot even begin to correlate it with you. 

I feel destabilised. Like everything has been pulled apart. I know it's less than the heavy devastation that your family and close friends feel. I know I'm just part of your past and I didn't expect to be in your future. But I did expect you to have one. I thought you'd have grandchildren. I thought you'd play your bass until you had to walk on stage with a walking stick. I thought your life would be long and abundant and brilliant and I do think it was all those things but it was just nowhere near long enough.  

Come back Bean! Not to me but to your people. Your life. Your family. Your friends. All I want is to occasionally glance at what you're doing and feel happy to have been part of your past. I don't want this horrific not-here-ness. It doesn't make any sense. 

💔💔💔

Rejection of transience

As Anya, ex Vengeance Demon, newish human wisely once said in response to the passing of Buffy's mum: 

"I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

On some level that's how we all feel. We cannot comprehend how someone who was there, is now not in their body. It is  painful. All we know is aliveness. We do not know death. So when someone we love is no longer here, nothing makes sense. We feel newly human or like an alien or a Vengeance Demon. We cannot comprehend it. And we don't even want to. We just want to change it. 

Our connection to a person is tied to their soul. Of course it is. That's part of their aliveness. But it's their soul within their body. Every word they spoke. Each time they moved. The shared moments. The memories. The quirks. The everything that made them, them. So how can they be anything else, other than a beautiful solid form. How can they be gone. Or even transmuted into a soul outside a body. It is simply impossible to comprehend. 

I'm with Anya. I feel just as she did. I feel lost and confused and angry at the transient nature of the human experience. 

I know that cannot change reality but I wish that I could. 

Part of me

You are part of me. 

It never faded. 

It did not age. 

It did not stop. 

It folded.

Sometimes opening. 

Sometimes resting. 

But never gone. 

You are part of me. 

Always. 

Remembering

I carry you with me. I always did. You have always been the person I spoke of the most, when talking about my past life. Always with fondness. Always with care. You were my friend. For a time you were more. But sat against the backdrop of friendship. 

I hadn't seen you or spoken to you for many years. I would have done but I understood why you could not. 

I didn't know you were ill. I wish I had somehow gleaned it but I didn't. And now you are not here. I hope you are somehow everywhere. 

I hope I did discern your presence behind me, comforting hand on my shoulder, as I say on the sofa and cried. I stopped crying and looked up. I felt briefly comforted. Was that you?  It felt like the hand that used to gently push me out of shops, when I was getting carried away with purchases. It felt warm. It felt peaceful. It felt like you. 

I hope I will see you in my dreams soon. I hope you are safe in another realm. I hope you are peaceful. 

I miss you. Even though I hadn't seen you for years. I still miss you. 

I wonder if I'll always miss you. 

Xxxxxx

Dirty Dancing again

Like many women around my age, I hear the words Dirty Dancing and automatically transform them into proper nouns. I think Johnny, Baby and a holiday romance that hopefully became lasting love when the cameras stopped rolling. 

I'm listening to the soundtrack as I type. The songs would not be my music on their own but against the backdrop of the film they become so much more. Every note places scenes from the film in my mind. Somehow it even manages to generate an energy in me. I actually feel a little bit invincible.  I'm not 51 tomorrow. I'm 20ish. Hopeful and vibrant. Patrick Swayze is still alive. He hasn't played the horrific character in Donnie Darko yet. He's Johnny. The dancing bad boy (but not really because he's actually nice). Johnny, the occasional eater of ju ju beans. What even are ju ju beans? No one knows. And it doesn't matter anyway. Johnny, the man with diamonds in his pockets and that isn't even a euphemism. Ah, the brilliant, silly dialogue. The perfect but not actually particularly dirty dancing. More sort of cheeky dancing. It's Johnny and Baby. The unlikely lovers that gave every young woman hope. The couple that inspired a million final dance scenes.  

Take me back please. 

Just a quick sidenote: Have you noticed that the song Overload has pretty worrying lyrics? Stop following her home to make sure that she gets there alright. You great big stalker person. 

Anyway. 

Dirty Dancing. 

If you haven't watched it and you're over 30. Why the heck not? Resolve this immediately. Actually watch it regardless of your age (but you know, be over 16 obviously). 

If you loved it, as I did, watch it again or just dive into the soundtrack. You'll no doubt find that time moves backwards then stands beautifully still. 

💙💙💙

Dragonflies and clouds

At the time of writing, the temperature in Puerto de la Cruz is a more palatable 27 degrees.  My appetite for extreme heat is not like my appetite for chocolate, which is worryingly massive. Fortunately, there are clouds here too. These offer a small heat offset. This troubles my partner.  He seeks maximum sunlight. I'm a shade seeker. Thus we find spaces to sit that offer a bit of both. 

The clouds here are strange.  Throughout the day they do ordinary cloud-like things but as evening approaches they spread out over the ocean in a near perfect line. It's as if someone used a ruler and chalk upon the sky. These curious clouds hover over and mirror the line of the sea. I have pondered at the cause of this cloudy oddness and consulted the delphic oracle that is Google. Unfortunately I'm largely non the wiser. Google hinted at trade winds, which sounds more economic that atmospheric. I may read a book on clouds. It'll be helpful bedtime reading. Ahem. 

I've also been surprised at the seemingly inquisitive nature of dragonflies. They zip over the chlorinated hotel pool as though they're expecting to find an afternoon snack. But on reflection there will be plenty of flies hanging around because people eat food at poolside. So these faux ponds are probably a vibrant buffet for dragonflies. Unless they eat dead skin. I'm not even going to Google this. I absolutely do not want to know. 

We intend to wander over to a vegan restaurant later. It will be pretty dreamy to choose food with impunity.  Yesterday I had a vegetarian pasta with an unexpected lump of chicken.  Kind of a bonus if you eat meat but tricky and a bit gross if you don't. 

The RGF xxx

Tropical remix

Since writing my previous blog post there has been a gentle sway towards welcomeness here in Puerto de la Cruz.  Thus, I have concluded that the Mars Uranus Algol conjuction was the root cause of the aforementioned disharmony. Granted, I have no scientific basis for my conclusions BUT one doesn't always need proof. Plus astrology is interesting and unless British tourists have suddenly stopped being annoying aboard (highly unlikely), it's the only discernable change. 

 

For my part, much like the rainbowesque stairs depicted above, I know happiness can occur in many places. Sometimes unexpectedly on a corner of the street somewhere between the beginning and the end of your journey, which is a metaphor for life really.  Or when Google maps sends you on a detour disguised as the best route to the Botanical Gardens - and despite the feelings of unease generated by the desolation on route - we spot several brightly coloured lizards doing lizardy things. 

In short, happy attracts happy.  Life is series of smiles really. There's shitshow too, obviously. But there is joyousness and kindness and painted stairways. 

Today has been good. 

Muchas gracias universe. 

The RGF xx 

Tropical waves of wrathish

We are holidaying abroad for the first time in well forever. Tenerife is not like I imagined. Admittedly my imagination was previously coloured by stories of stag doos, raves and spirited cups of hangover.  And I've never been to Tenerife until right now.  

I'm pleased to say that we are surrounded by sweeping palms and tropical flowers.  We were ironically welcomed by a giant sleeping volcano. Fortunately it doesn't appear to talk or walk in its sleep. Its previously activity though, has covered the beaches with dusky sands and pitted black stones. The ocean here is obviously a stunning shade of sapphire blue.  Beauty definitely abounds. 

We're fortunate to have a sea view from our hotel. We can enjoy it on floor 13, behind a low, seemingly fragile balcony.  No leaning selfies here because said selfie would certainly be your last. Plus 13 is unlucky for some. Yikes. 

It is very early days and I am hampered by my ability to read all the vibes but the atmosphere is sadly not very welcoming.  At times there's even been open hostility towards us.  Is it the Mars Uranus Algol conjuction? Certainly we might expect more aggression around this time. The conjuction's effects stretch into the astrology of Earth for several days around the full conjuction (which occurred on 15th July).  Is it the legitimate struggle of hosting Brits abroad?  A lot of us do pack a hefty haul of chaos in our suitcase when we travel. Mostly booze infused. So if people are a tad frosty towards the English, I guess I kinda get it. Is it the impacts of Brits buying property in exotic locations? I have no idea what those impacts are but I'd imagine there are some and doubtless they're not helpful to local people unless you're a rich owner of several properties.  Whatever the reasons, something is afoot.  No matter how often I smile and try to speak Spanish, the cold reactions persist. As an empathic type, that's tricky to process. Those negative vibes do build up. 

I lost my amethyst necklace somewhere between here and Manchester Airport.  I've purchased various crystal bracelets as a replacement energy shield.  Sadly, at this point I think I need a crystal hazmat suit because three beaded bracelets are just not cutting the mystical mustard.  

No experience is meant to be fully utopian. We're gaining on beautiful surroundings but losing on gentle human connection. So far anyway. Moreover, real magic is that which we create for ourselves, rather than that which  we're given or seek. 

Alongside the experience of the vibrant scenery, maybe this holiday will teach me a robust ability to feel all the feelings and not internalise them. Time will tell. 

Buenos Dias. 

RGF xx

Stepping into the light

 

Peopling

Peopling is hard.  In other words, interacting with other humans is difficult.  This has been hyper highlighted in recent weeks.  That sense of being on the outside looking in.  Whilst I do enjoy conversations with some people, with many, I find myself reflecting on the words we have each shared and wondering whether some of the people I've recently encountered actually intend to create a sense of division.  I wonder whether they have a need to make themselves feel more in by making others feel more out.  I’m reminded of that meme where Morticia Adams is surrounded by Barbie-like women who are depicted as saying “you can’t sit with us” and she responds with “I don’t want to”. Except of course you dont have to fit with either archetype to feel a sense of exclusion. It can happen to anyone. 

But I am a bit different. As I’ve mentioned previously, there are times when I enjoy being different.  In the last 20 years or so I have tended to dress in a way that is somewhat less than usual.  My hair is bright, my tattoos are frequent, and I suppose I’m sort of a hippyesque goth.  But whatever I wear on my skin, blonde hair or green hair, contact lenses or glasses, weird or standard – it makes no difference - I am always an outsider. 

Perhaps someone is reading these words and thinking but surely everyone is different.  And that’s true. But I often feel like other people have more viable methods of connecting than I do.  Is there no way for me to be odd, kind and occasionally hilariously funny and somehow resonate with others?  It would seem not.  And that makes me feel a little bit sad. 

Sometime last year I created a YouTube channel.  I've shared it on this very blog. Somehow I believed that I would be able to reach people and make a difference in the world. That probably sounds naive.  Maybe even ridiculous.  In fact, as I write the words, I realise that it is probably both of these.  The algorithms are not with me.  There is vast array of popular content on YouTube.  It’s flooded. I am merely a flicker of light in a saturated pond and I have no idea how to increase my brightness or even if I should try to. And creating a YouTube channel was supposed to be me striding forward with confidence.  Bravely sharing my words with the wider world. But the main bravery is keeping going when no one hears those words. Clearly, social media is a very public way of navigating popularity.  Though my channel was never about being popular.  Yet it has to be popularish in order to be heard. And I don't feel heard or helpful to others right now. 

So I sigh.  And in fact I have just audibly sighed.  Peopling is hard.  Virtual peopling. In person peopling.  All the peopling. 

I do have a new Youtube video planned and it’s been in the pipeline for a while.  I have delayed due to limits on my  time and, in truth because my channel is reminding me that I am on the outside looking in. To create my next video, I have to disregard my people struggles.  Or maybe I have to use those as motivation to keep moving forward because I certainly am an Aquarius moon, I'm definitely a Black Moon Lilith in Aquarius and I do seem to be the very definition of an Ophiuchus. Plus my Chiron return is moving closer by the month. 

I do hope to feel more belonged at some point or at least care less about it. I also hope to share a new YouTube video. But I must fill my metaphorical cup before I do anything else. 

Xx

New horizons and expansion