Stepping into the light

 

Peopling

Peopling is hard.  In other words, interacting with other humans is difficult.  This has been hyper highlighted in recent weeks.  That sense of being on the outside looking in.  Whilst I do enjoy conversations with some people, with many, I find myself reflecting on the words we have each shared and wondering whether some of the people I've recently encountered actually intend to create a sense of division.  I wonder whether they have a need to make themselves feel more in by making others feel more out.  I’m reminded of that meme where Morticia Adams is surrounded by Barbie-like women who are depicted as saying “you can’t sit with us” and she responds with “I don’t want to”. Except of course you dont have to fit with either archetype to feel a sense of exclusion. It can happen to anyone. 

But I am a bit different. As I’ve mentioned previously, there are times when I enjoy being different.  In the last 20 years or so I have tended to dress in a way that is somewhat less than usual.  My hair is bright, my tattoos are frequent, and I suppose I’m sort of a hippyesque goth.  But whatever I wear on my skin, blonde hair or green hair, contact lenses or glasses, weird or standard – it makes no difference - I am always an outsider. 

Perhaps someone is reading these words and thinking but surely everyone is different.  And that’s true. But I often feel like other people have more viable methods of connecting than I do.  Is there no way for me to be odd, kind and occasionally hilariously funny and somehow resonate with others?  It would seem not.  And that makes me feel a little bit sad. 

Sometime last year I created a YouTube channel.  I've shared it on this very blog. Somehow I believed that I would be able to reach people and make a difference in the world. That probably sounds naive.  Maybe even ridiculous.  In fact, as I write the words, I realise that it is probably both of these.  The algorithms are not with me.  There is vast array of popular content on YouTube.  It’s flooded. I am merely a flicker of light in a saturated pond and I have no idea how to increase my brightness or even if I should try to. And creating a YouTube channel was supposed to be me striding forward with confidence.  Bravely sharing my words with the wider world. But the main bravery is keeping going when no one hears those words. Clearly, social media is a very public way of navigating popularity.  Though my channel was never about being popular.  Yet it has to be popularish in order to be heard. And I don't feel heard or helpful to others right now. 

So I sigh.  And in fact I have just audibly sighed.  Peopling is hard.  Virtual peopling. In person peopling.  All the peopling. 

I do have a new Youtube video planned and it’s been in the pipeline for a while.  I have delayed due to limits on my  time and, in truth because my channel is reminding me that I am on the outside looking in. To create my next video, I have to disregard my people struggles.  Or maybe I have to use those as motivation to keep moving forward because I certainly am an Aquarius moon, I'm definitely a Black Moon Lilith in Aquarius and I do seem to be the very definition of an Ophiuchus. Plus my Chiron return is moving closer by the month. 

I do hope to feel more belonged at some point or at least care less about it. I also hope to share a new YouTube video. But I must fill my metaphorical cup before I do anything else. 

Xx

New horizons and expansion

 

Finding relief from anxiety