Time travel

Somehow time travel still remains at forefront of my mind. 

If I could ride my thoughts, I would. 

Perfect brew

Sometimes it would be truly lovely if someone was around, just once a week, to make me a cup of tea in the morning. I'd flipping worship that brew. It wouldn't have to be perfect. Flavoursome. Drinkable. Proffered in a clean mug. But certainly not tea perfection. I'd quite appreciate a cooked breakfast, a back rub and, let's be idealistic, myriad gifts but I'd happily settle for a cup of tea in the morning.  

Blame and domestic abuse

Why don't people necessarily recognise when they are in an abusive relationship? Why don't they all leave immediately?

The answers​ are far from straightforward. It would be near on impossible for either a professional or a victim of abuse to give a conclusive answer. Based on my experience of domestic abuse, personal research and an awareness course - these thoughts are a starting point:

• To acknowledge the existence of domestic abuse in a relationship, we must understand exactly what domestic abuse is. Physical violence is a fairly obvious example. As is rape and sexual assault. Whereas financial, emotional and psychological abuse are more difficult to recognise. 

• The domestic abuser is often someone that the victim loves. The abuser moves from monster to lover constantly. They manipulate. This does not mean that the victim is stupid, it means the abuser is a master of their art. They were manipulating their victim from day one. They know how to charm. They know how to get what they want. The more sociopathic the abuser, the harder they are to spot. 

• Once you love someone, it takes some time to unpick your feelings. The victim is trying to recategorise their abuser into someone who is a million miles from the person they thought they knew. This can take time. Whilst the victim tries to make sense of their feelings, the abuser is trying to win them over in any way they can - from declarations of love to suicide threats. 

• When we love, we idealise. We make allowances for personality flaws. We make excuses for misdemeanours. Yes, even if it means operating in opposition to everything we believe in. It sounds incredulous to suggest that a victim of abuse can accept the abuser's excuses if there has been physical or sexual attacks. But we must remember that the victim has invested in the relationship. The abuser may well be a master of manipulation. They will go to great lengths to hold onto the object of their control. 

• Sometimes victims are vulnerable upon entering the abusive relationship. They may have physical or mental illness prior to meeting the abusive partner. This makes it easier for the abuser to abuse. 

• Mothers fear for themselves and their children. The abuser may threaten to kill them if they leave. Escape may seem difficult, even impossible. Remember abusive people seek to undermine autonomy. Thus the victim may not feel in control of their lives. This doesn't happen immediately but over time they may be scared to leave and scared to stay. 

• Abusers can physically prevent their victim from leaving by restraining them and / or harming them. They may continually suggest that the police won't help. The victim may start to question their own sanity. 

• Victims often blame themselves. We are taught to take responsibility for our own actions and we are told that their are two sides to every argument. Only the most self-important of people fail to ponder if they might be partly at fault when contentious situations arrise. And abusers blame the victim anyway thus the victim's doubts are internal then reinforced externally. This may be seen as the 'blame trap'.

• The 'blame trap' supports the abuse. The victim blames​ themselves. The abuser blames​ the victim. Onlookers treat the victim with contempt because they cannot comprehend how they ever ended up in an abusive relationship. The victim feels ashamed because no one wants to appear vulnerable or weak. The abuser feeds that fear. Contempt from other people feed that fear. And so it continues. 

In summary, domestic abuse is multi-faceted. Each person's experience of it differs: the abuser's modus operandi, the victim's back-story, the victim's responses and other factors may contribute.

People think they know exactly how they'd respond to a domestic abuser. They believe they'd recognise manipulation and control as soon as it begins. Yet the reality is quite different, for the reasons outlined above and likely others not discussed here.

As indicated, those who haven't experienced abuse can look towards the victims with contempt. They ask: surely domestic abuse is obvious and boldly suggest that everyone would leave at the first sign of it. This, at best, is a partial viewpoint and at worse both inaccurate and indirectly contributory. Moreover it completely misses the real issue.

As human beings we should seek to educate ourselves on the signs of domestic abuse. We should support family and friends, if we believe they are victims of abuse. Domestic abuse is always unacceptable. Not only does it damage lives, it can end them. Every time we are incredulous towards the victim, we fail to acknowledge the reality: the fault lies with the abuser and a society that allows domestic abuse to continue.

The light

We "must be captivated by the light. Always the light" (The Lake House). In the context of the film, the words apply to architecture. How the architect must consult with nature when creating a structure that will stand the test of time.

I think it is light - in all that may be considered beautiful in this world, that must guide us. Not the kind of beauty that is illusionary but the kind that begins at the core and shines upon the world. 

Xxx

Blind

Treat people with kindness. Not the kindness they deserve because what they deserve is subjective.

Basically, we should realise that "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind” (Gandhi).

Invisible

For some reason, I quoted Kate from The Lake House on my dating profile. Perhaps I was alluding to the soulmate concept, in a vague hope of finding them. Im theorising on this. Doubtless I knew the reason on a subconscious level but I don't recall making a conscious choice. These are the beautiful words “sometimes I feel as though I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all. I never felt that way when I lived at the lake house”.

Kate lost something of herself when she left the lake house or, if you know the film / book, she hadn't found it yet.  The lake house sat between two worlds and two time frames. In it was her past, her future and the man she was yet to love / loved from the beginning.

As I re-quote her, I realise that I know the words without checking. Many aspects from the film resonate with me but I thought the star crossed lover element had mainly pulled me in. The sense of finding someone at the wrong time - just like Jane Austen’s Persuasion which the film heavily references.  As I recall these words, “sometimes I feel like I'm invisible”, I realise that the truth is far more difficult. It is not merely that my time frame is out of sync with someone elses, it is that I'm somehow invisible. Though I have a clear understanding of myself. I don't feel that I belong here.  Like Radiohead's Creep, I really am a weirdo.

In short, my tribe has very few people in it. In many respects, it's just me and my daughter. The small number of connections beyond family are dispersed through the repeated requirements of adulting. Even though I quite like being different and certainly don't know how to be otherwise - there are times when I'm just a little bit lonely.

Maybe I need to find my lake house or at least the space where my time frame connects up with someone elses. 

The shiny step

I was talking to a friend about domestic abuse some months back. She told me​ a story of a woman who was often injured by her husband. The story took place in a time where ladies on terraced streets kept their front steps clean. The cleanliness of your front step represented who you were. It mattered in the context they lived in. There was a woman in the story who didn't keep her step clean. She was the victim of domestic abuse. One of woman's neighbours commented, in scalding response to this woman's situation "well, look at the state of her step". The implication being that she deserved the abuse. Her husband was entitled to injure her because she wasn't maintaining proper standards. I'll let that sink in. It's an appalling statement isn't it. Though spoken many years ago, similar mentalities continue today.

I had another conversation with an ex colleague about the physical abuse experienced by Rihanna at the hands of Chris Brown. Notably we discussed the heavily publicised attack that left Rihanna injured. My ex colleague said "she probably deserved it". Obviously I was very swift to correct her, once I'd recovered from my shock at her words. The context of the abuse is irrelevant. Unless he was literally fighting for his life (he wasn't) then, no, Rihanna was the victim of abuse. There is no justification. There is victim. There is perpetrator. That's it.

Abusers will utilise every excuse at their disposal to justify their behaviour. Examples will include: I was stressed. You drove me to it. Whispering a threat is not the same as shouting it. I was jealous. I was drunk. I was stoned.  I was joking. You started the argument. You were jealous. I was worried..........

Abusers can be brilliant at disguising their behaviour. They can switch their emotions on and off. One moment they can be calm, the next screaming threats. Life with an abusive person is like dancing on eggshells. You always try to second guess them. Sometimes you recognise the signs of what's to come, which is abuse in itself. Sometimes it comes from nowhere.

There is no justification. Each of the stories above have common themes - abusers who believe they are justified in hurting someone else and bystanders who normalise thus accept their behaviour.

If you believe you are being abused, you are. Leave the abuser. If you see abuse, help the victim as quickly and, if possible, as discreetly as feasible. Only by standing together against domestic abuse will it ever end.

Xxx

Awaken and embrace

We know when someone is falling for us. We feel it as a recipient. We don't have the right to drown ourselves in the attention of another because they feel. As we bask in the light they impart, they connect with us.

We are not idols when we carry out a relationship with another person. It isn't a crush from afar. It's the activities of the heart. The lived experience of romantic love.

Words matter. Choose them wisely.

People matter. Treat them carefully.

Don't speak the words of love, unless you're in it. Don't demonstrate it, unless you feel it.

Overall folks, it's what Bob said…...

Easter fairies

The long awaited fairy garden. Our entry for my daughter's Easter craft competition.

PS. When I say long awaited, I mean by me. Slow to complete due to pesky things like sleep, food, work, school etc. 

Snowmine 🦄

"Tell me that you came for me!

Cuz I've been waiting for you.
Tell me you can hear what I'm saying.
Cuz it's a long walk back to town,
And I'm a far cry from the old me.
And I'm a far cry from the old me." 

Snowmine 🦄

Because in the end, that's what we all seek isn't it. The sense that someone completely gets you. Understands your algorithm. A shared language, which stretches beyond words. 

This band speaks to my soul. Nay, they shout to it. Like I'm being called back to myself or something equally mystical. 

False promises

Apt. Again. Sigh.

Love inverted

Loneliness is love inverted

Repeating 42

Has anyone else noticed that the number on the taxi in Deadpool is 42 and the radio station that Lucy tunes into, on the film erm Lucy, is also 42?

Coincidence? I've said this before but it bares repeating:
Mycroft: "what do we say about coincidences?"
Sherlock: "the universe is rarely so lazy".

I really think Douglas Adams was onto something.

Xx

Every other lover

This.......

.......not constantly. Sometimes foreground and at others just background. I cannot launch myself at love. Everyone has stuff and everyone's stuff matters. Yet when romance comes, this is the level of passion required. As Marmaduke Duke once said "every other lover in the world is just wasting time".

Xxx

The chase?

I have written, and yes, occasionally ranted about the dating etiquette that promotes the traditional gender roles of hard to get.  I've even suggested that maybe I need to play by the so called rules, even though I think them utterly ridiculous.

I cannot comprehend why I ever suggested anything of the sort. I want a partner not a saviour. I'd like to start with balance and improve upon it. How can I do that if I'm playing the role of the feeble female? If I wait passively for someone to snap me up, I'm essentially contributing to patriarchy.

If I'm interested in someone, I'll send them a clear sign such as 'hey, would you like to go out sometime'. If the question itself puts them off, then I too am put off because they are not the sort of person I want to invest in.

I won't settle. I will wait but my waiting will be active not passive. Brace yourself unicorn-Starlord-Deadpool because I'm feeling confident. ;-)

PS. You know when you have one of those ephinany style moments? Well this is one. There are many things that one can and perhaps should compromise on (the ideal height for example). Yet one should never compromise on the self.

Xxx 

Dates

Dates are reciprocal arrangements. Based on compromise, consideration and effort. Basically, showing up at someone's house with beer or similar isn't a viable first date. It isn't even a date. It's a hook up pretending to be a date.

Men (yes I know I'm generalising) try not to confuse dates with hook ups.

Xx

I'll rise

"You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may tread me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you? 

Why are you beset with gloom? 

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken? 

Bowed head and lowered eyes? 

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you? 

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you? 

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs? 

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

  I rise."

Maya Angelou

Tuesday morning discovery

I stumbled upon these beautiful words via the ways of the internet. I particularly like "I claim the dawn". The inbetween time of the dawn. The end of one, begining of another. http://1974haze.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/perpetual-dawn.html?m=0. 


Endless Tuesday Mornings

"At night I am everything I fear

In the morning I am nothing I can't handle

I claim the dawn

for yesterday is simply what I was

and tomorrow today will be gone.




Emptiness builds a home here

in between hearts where hollows have bred

a deepening sea of nowhere consumes

and eats away at every connecting thread.




A Tuesday to spare

fingerprints on the edge of a frosted 

midnight dream a promise in pieces, so untrue

endless Tuesday mornings going against the stream."




https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.poemhunter.com/poem-amp/endless-tuesday-mornings//

International Women's Day: Men, let's do this!

On this day of celebration, this International Women's Day, I would like to shout from the rooftops that women across the globe are incredible beings. 

Every day should be a celebration of women. Yet often it feels more like a fight for survival in a patriarchal world.

There should be balance across the genders. We, the people, can do things to redress the imbalance.This incredible article makes a number of fantastic suggestions.

Let's do this! Men of the world, be a practical feminist every day.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/feminism-men-practical-steps

You Wanna Be Adored?

I have been giving quite a bit of thought to narcissistic personality traits. And, as I write these words, my playlist landed on I Wanna Be Adored by The Stone Roses. Coincidence? Doubtful. Everyone, to some degree, wants to be adored. We want to be valued, respected, admired. As human beings, it is absolutely standard practice to desire love and to return that love. It's balanced thus rather marvellous. Yet some of us seek worship. In certain cases, it is an emphatic need for adoration, at the expense of all others. This is the modus operandi of the narcissist.

Unfortunately, I’ve been attracted to quite a few narcissists. Some have been much worse than others. One in particular may well have been a psychopath. This revelation is a little alarming, to say the least.

Why have I chosen men with broken personalities who see a romantic partner as an extension of themselves? How have I failed to recognise such awful personality traits? Am I completely bereft of wisdom? Or, as something of an empath, do I want to make broken people whole?

I believe the latter description holds the most truth. Whilst I certainly don’t suggest that I have attained ascension as a person. Indeed, if I was to say that, Im fairly sure I’d be heading in a narcissistic direction myself. I do believe that I’m fairly self-aware, reflective and emotionally intelligent. I’m definitely too empathetic for my own good. I see the good in people, even when it's absent.

If I think back to every single important romantic relationship in my life so far, each one has been imbalanced. Those I've loved have needed fixing. They haven't all been narcissists (phewy) but not one of them has been relationship ready. Some were still in love with their exes. Others were emotionally immature etc etc. And, as suggested, there have been the men who slid around on the scum of the narcissism continuum. Yikes.

So now I’ve recognised the pattern, how do I fix it? A kind friend suggested, rather amusingly, that I should deliberately choose someone I'm not attracted to. She was joking. Yet there is seriousness to her wise words. Though, how do I choose someone I’m not attracted to? Attraction is the very basis of romantic entanglement. Hmmm, maybe some reprogramming is in order…….

In the meantime, if any of the traits in the following article relate to you, then stay the hell away from me. ;-) Actually, seriously. If anyone is interested in applying for the romantic partner vacancy, narcissistic / psychopathic personality types need not bother. (Moot point alert: because narcissists don't recognise themselves as narcissists. Oh the hilarity).

Fortunately I have an app in my phone which beeps every time I stumble across a narcissist. Ok, I don't but wouldn't that be handy. On a serious note, I think I'm now able to recognise the traits fairly swiftly. I just need to avoid people who are otherwise broken, whilst still retaining my preference for wordiness. Looks like Beyonce's Single Ladies will remain my theme tune for the foreseeable then.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

Is this just fantasy?

I always thought that I wanted a romantic hero. The kind that Bonnie Tyler sung about - yet mighty with the pen rather than 'fresh from the fight'.  Think Shakespeare or John Donne, with their armour of poetry and passion. I, misguided as I was, imagined that some exciting man would one day sweep me off my feet. As they made their fated entrance - violins would play and fireworks would shoot across the sky.

I'm still fond of the idea of soulmates. Whilst fond, I doubt that it actually exists. I'd like it to, of course but all evidence indicates otherwise. Soulmates are, perhaps, a romantic notion created via our human need to believe in something beyond ourselves. It is an ideal. The epitome of romantic love. I blame the likes of Donne for this. Poets grow the idea of romance - like ivy hanging off the heart.

I'd still like a little romance in my life but I recognise its' transitory nature. It would seem that a good match is a good match and nothing more. Sigh. Do bare with me here because I'm unpicking 30 years of hopes and dreams as I write.

Blind faith. That's what I've had until now. Faith enmeshed with all the romantic comedies, poems, love stories and fairy tales that the years have provided. Plus I'm an idealist and a romantic. My belief in soulmates has never been evidencial. Everytime I've come close to near perfect romantic love, it's ended.  Every other time, I've been fooled by charlatans. Thus I have very clear evidence that soulmates are little more than fantasy.

This post doesn't contradict the preceding one. I still want to be wowed with words. This desire is statistically probable because I've been impressed with words before. I have actual evidence of wordy types. Gawd I hope there isn't just one or two men living vaguely close to me that are capable of language - aka a modern day John Donne. Naaaaa. They'll definitely be others. Right?

Gulp.

Xxx

Words in time

So few men are able to write well or, in fact, write at any kind of acceptable level. I'm told that these things don't matter. Good sentence structure isn't important. Knowledge of poetry doesn't maketh the man and so on. Whilst I recognise that it's important to consider various elements when choosing a romantic partner. Verbal ability matters! Not empty dialogue, words must be matched with actions, of course. But crucially I have to be captivated by someone's words, otherwise I struggle to feel the magic.

I want a person that fits with me and part of that connection is established via romantic language. I can no more compromise on my need for words than I can on left wing politics.

There is someone who fits. It's just time.

Question your connections

Interesting article. If your ex wants to stay friends, it might be wise to question their reasons. If it feels controlling, unhealthy, imbalanced then let them go. Our time here is short. Make your life a positive one.

http://www.theearthchild.co.za/narcissists-and-psychopaths-love-to-stay-friends-with-their-exes/

Only for you

And I will open my heart
And I will oh, only for you

Size doesn't matter?

I wrote of the ideal height some months ago. http://1974haze.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/the-ideal-height.html?m=1. I suggested 6 foot 2ish as the ideal height. This, of course, remains the case. Yet, as previously noted, exceptions are feasible.  Simon Neil from Biffy Clyro being a prime example.  You can't put a height restriction on hotness like that.

I would also make an exception for the fellow described in this blog post. http://1974haze.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/mr-big.html?m=1.  He is still able to send my pulse racing, even though he barely speaks to me. I don't even know why it happens. Pheromones probably and erm beardedness. Unfortunately his interest in me is so completely absent that I have more chance of dating the already married, well known Scottish rocker that is Simon Neil.

Unrequited attraction notwithstanding, in the case of my Mr Big, it is worth acknowledging that sometimes size really doesn't matter.

Xxx

A springy step

Today I feel ready to step forward rather than back. Perhaps it's because Spring is approaching or maybe the beginning of a new month is generating a sense of excitement.


I recall reading on t'internet that something cosmic is afoot. It may have been a spiritual alignment of some kind which enables new beginnings. Certainly Spring has long been associated with new life and growth. After the barren landscapes of Winter, Spring places a lot of green into the world. In fact it’s well known for this green making phenomena, which is commonly referred to as flowers and shit.


Coincidentally, or perhaps connectedly, I've recently exorcised one or two personal demons and transformed some loose ends into tidy knots. Furthermore, (brace yessens), I have an overwhelming desire to clean things, which, in itself, must signify something massive. (Note, this is an exaggeration, it's more a sort of low-level desire which could easily be overtaken by a need to sit down a lot).


I do feel inexplicably fresh and clean, much like an OutKast tune. Give me a minute and I'll be shaking my posterior like a Polaroid picture. This may be a step too far, it's certainly way too much for the people standing behind me, ahem, nevertheless, I do believe that I've underlined my point.


Whatever is in the air, it might buggar off as quickly as it arrived, thus I'd better commence operation get fit, new job, personal development etc without hesitation.


See you on the other side…..

;-)